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Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day Dreams



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Last night I had one of the most unexpected dreams I've had in a while.

Here's the background of the players:

I was working for this guy, Jeremy, who I worked for in 2008 for about 2 months. Jeremy was a friend of mine and he had hopes of selling his company to me when he retired (with the money I'd make as his protege), as he liked me, and thought I'd do the job well. It was in music business, by the way.

Well, I did not like the job and the job did not like me. It might've had something to do with his #2 guy, who was unclear and difficult to work with - for me at least. It might've had something to do with the fact that a lot of my professional life has been spent working behind the scenes in television and film. Some may think the tv/film industry is crazy and weird, but it is usually organized. At least the stuff I work on which tends to be fully-funded, documentaries or commercials that are actually seen by more than family and friends. No offense intended to the low-budget stuff, but I've heard the low-budget productions are beasts of disorganization and disgruntlement. From what I understand this usually arises from giving too many inexperienced people jobs they don't know how to do. The ones who are experienced can't always tame the beast to make things run smoothly, so there are lots of snags and unforeseen obstacles.Well, the music business made the television and film business look ethical, organized and sane. (At least that's how it felt to me.) Ultimately, I left the job. Jeremy and I, unfortunately, haven't really hung out since then. But he pops into my mind from time to time, and I miss his friendship. He's crass and hard-nosed, but ultimately a good, smart guy with a great, albeit sick, sense of humor.

Here's the basic run-down of the dream:

I was working for Jeremy again, only I was hired by a few of the guys that I hired as interns during my brief stay in his company. Jeremy was out of town. His #2 guy was no longer with the company. There was something about that in the dream. Oh, yes. There it is. (I had to dig it out of my dream memory.) #2 was fired because he started using and dealing some sort of drugs again. No bueno. So anyway, I'm working at his company, sort of as the office manager or something (a job, for the record, I am not interested in), and all of us who worked there (a very pleasant bunch this time around), went to Jeremy's house to fix something up before he returned from his vacation. When Jeremy returned, this previously single and child-less man came home with a wife and child. The child was brown (which Jeremy is not, nor was his dream-wife), a la Sandra Bullock's adoption, and his wife was a 40 year-old woman who was gorgeous and retired rock-star or something.

The dream ended with me working at a tall, almost star-trek like station (but set in dark wood) that was 6 feet tall and like a command station. Well, this thing would not stop beeping. Like a truck backing up, beep.....beep.....beep.....beep. Every 3 seconds. I kept pushing buttons and I even turned it off and it still beeped! Turns out it was Marcus' dialysis machine signaling something wasn't working right and I had just integrated it into my dream.

I had to call Jeremy this morning to tell him about my dream. It was nice. I was a little nervous, but ultimately we had a nice little chat and we have tentative plans to get together next week. He has no brown child that he knows of, though maybe that's in his future.... The power of suggestion.

I plan on doing a full interpretation of this dream since I know how to do that now (part of hypnotherapy training), so I'll let you all know if anything interesting arises. I am curious to learn what my subconscious mind is venting or trying to tell me.

Maybe it was brought on by Memorial Day. I know Memorial Day is for remembering those men and women who died serving our country, but maybe my subconscious wanted to extend it to loved ones I've lost touch with. So, it gave me this dream to facilitate reuniting. Looks like my subconscious is my friend again, after only a few days of distention and resistance. Whew!

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Posted by Katie Strand at 10:25 AM 0 comments
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Sunday, May 30, 2010

A New Homeostasis, part deux

As promised, here's part two of A New Homeostasis.

Predictably, ironically, and hilariously, I read part one yesterday after it went out, and found several odd typos and grammatical errors. I typed most of it from the park on my iphone, and frankly, it types a little funny for me, even after over a year's ownership. But how funny, a blog about being patient and gentler with myself, and I got on my own case about typos in my blog. Geesh! This growth is right on time! Fortunately, it didn't last long as Marcus and I started laughing about it soon after I made a disparaging comment about my typos.

But back to the promised answer to the question, What on earth is happening in your life that you're experiencing such resistance?

Well. It's worth noting that I haven't experienced this level of resistance for years. Perhaps it's because  I've been unknowingly training myself to adapt to change for many years. All that hobby-whoring and moving around helped abate resistance from ordinary levels of change.

So the change that's happening for me must be profound.

But it doesn't seem that profound... so I suppose that's why it took me a minute to realize the irritability was a sign of resistance to change.

Here's what's happening, in list form to help me keep it straight.

  • I'm in a relationship with a man who I can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with, and he feels the same way! Though other men have teased about marriage or I'd fantasized a little about men I thought I wanted to marry, never before has it been so...easy and sure. (Though I'm in no rush to make it legal, truth be told.)
  • I'm training as a hypnotherapist, and subsequently receiving hypnotherapy and exploring my subconscious programming. I thought my degree in spiritual psychology would've brought up serious resistance, and I suppose it did, but for some reason during my two-year master's program, I had the perpetual medication of talking things out in class sessions - therefore giving my ego lots to distract it as I was changing, which I did in profound ways during that experience. The hypnotherapy stuff seems to deal more deliberately with the subconscious mind, and so my RM is bucking more profoundly.
  • I'm setting a foundation for the life I've always dreamed about. I've always fantasized about a life that is some combination of having a family, great friends, a career in music and entertainment, teaching and helping people, starting a spiritual and educational center, expressing myself through writing and music, eating and living healthy, being happy, successful, and actualized. Well, all these things seem to be...in the works. Marcus and I are writing books on relationships. I'm writing a blog on a regular basis. I'm recording music that is much more commercially viable (my past recordings were great for me, but their marketability was much more narrow than what I'm creating now.) We just created the name and title of a spiritual center. I'm helping people through my spiritual psychology and hypnosis training. I'm enjoying life and laughing every day. The ball has started rolling on a television show Marcus and I are creating with a friend. You get the idea? A ground swell is starting.
  • Also, I've been doing a process called Mental Bank (MB) that I learned through HMI (Hypnosis Motivation Institute). Basically, it's something you do for about 5 minutes before sleep and it helps reprogram the subconscious mind so you continue doing things that are positive and help propel you forward into the life you want, as well as creating more income. Well, since I've been doing MB, money has indeed started to come in from unexpected sources. As much as my RM wants to excuse this as other things, realistically, I've gotten more checks in the mail than I did prior to doing the MB.

All of these things are creating the perfect storm for my RM to freak out a little. Look at the definition:
Homeostasis: the tendency of a system, esp. the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability, owing to the coordinated response of its parts to any situation or stimulus tending to disturb its normal condition or function.
From what I understand, humans are designed to return to homeostasis. For most of human existence it was essential for survival. But in modern society, that means that when we are making any change, especially positive change, our RM will fight the change to bring us back to homeostasis.

About twenty-four hours into this resistance, I realized I'm simply creating a new homeostasis, so that I can have the life that I truly want. It's a bit uncomfortable at times. Actually, it's a lot uncomfortable at times, but since I realized what's happening, I can sort of weather the storm.

Share if you've noticed this for yourself. It can be in the form of yo-yo dieting or weight loss/gain, sabotaging a new job, resisting a new exercise regimen or injuring yourself within one, or it can be in the form of bailing on a new relationship because it was different than previous relationships. 

Just know that creating a new homeostasis is what's happening and the discomfort will abate once the new homeostasis is established.

By the way, one of my favorite books that talks a lot about resistance and art and self-expression is The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. I highly recommend this book.


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Posted by Katie Strand at 11:54 AM 1 comments
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Saturday, May 29, 2010

A New Homeostasis

Please, be patient. 

That's for myself as much or more than it is for any of my readers and especially my loved ones out there. 

You see, it has come to my awareness that I'm experiencing some changes, some shifting in my life. 

Boy oh boy have I been experiencing resistance about this. 

Now this may seem odd. It seems odd to me, really. Because I'm one of those people who appears comfortable with new things &/or change. I seem to be constantly picking up new hobbies (I fancy myself a hobby-whore; affectionately, of course). I'm often trying new things and enrolled in some new classes, learning or spiritual experience. 

But...

Something big must be shifting because I am experiencing resistance in a big way.

Here's what resistance looks like for me currently:
  1. Quick to irritability - over small or not-so-small things; basically anything threatens to irritate me, from bad drivers to a missing sock. Irritability quickly turns to pissiness. I'd say poor Marcus because he gets the brunt of it but he actually has fun with it because he knows I'm just in my doodoo/resistance. Plus he's half Jamaican and conflict for them is like sport so...apparently I picked the right partner because I used to be afraid of conflict. Now more and more I see it as sport.
  2. Believing that I'm "on my own." Recently I got myself all in a tiff thinking about how I'm the only one who ______s around the house. Basically all the household stuff like shopping, cooking cleaning, car maintenance, etc. The great (sarcastically) thing about #2 is that it's completely untrue. I have never cleaned the toilet since Marcus & I have lived together (since November). The toilet is his thing. He also does the dishes about 80% of the time, which I suspect is a pretty high average for American males out there. Sure, I vacuum and take the car to the shop more than Marcus, but things are probably close to even. Not that anyone's keeping track except every the whole of my ego/reactive mind (henceforth known as RM).
  3. Feeling tired. I may actually be tired but I feel it too. It does not help. 
  4. Low blood sugar. This is bad enough on its own. This combined with 1-3 reaches homicidal proportions. (disclaimer: I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone. As a trained hypnoherapist I have to say that because if  client says it to someone like me, we may need to have some sort of intervention. I'm being factitious. So no one need intervene. Also, I just have a sick sense of humor.)
  5. Being mean to myself. This is perhaps the worst of all. And it's so unbelievably subtle and insidious, sometimes I hardly even notice it. I think it used to be worse when I was younger, more blatant and pervasive, but I did all kinds of different personal growth work, so now my RM knows I'm onto the blatant (though usually so fast it's still hard to notice) inner dialogue that reprimands and demands perfection. (I joke I'm a recovering over-achiever/perfectionist - apparently I still need to work my 12 steps.) Anyway, lately it's less reprimand and demand, and more tonal. Here's a little example: Today I forgot to grab the raspberries from the farmer's market guy who sold them to me. He forgot. I forgot. I paid but no raspberries. I went back about 15 minutes later (I was on my bike so it took me a minute), and he was no where to be found as it was the end of the farmer's market. I was hungry (as I'd just done yoga & meditation & definitely was in the danger/homicidal zone of my low blood sugar - I really need a "beep beep beep" like when trucks back up to warn people to stay away and myself to calm the f*ck down.) Anyway, I was hungry and fixated and annoyed and bothered for about 5 minutes on getting those raspberries, but I couldn't find the guy! As I was biking away, obviously choosing to give up/let go, it hit me. (Tears welling while saddled in a bike is not ideal though it's okay if you're going slow & not dodging cars - both true in that moment for me.) I am being so mean to myself. Sure I was annoyed with the guy for not handing me the raspberries. (I had them in my hand & he took them to bag 'em, then he gave me my change sans raspberries.) But most of that annoyed energy was coming straight back to me. ("I should've checked to make sure I had them. I should've been more aware. I shouldn't let myself get this low of blood sugar..." You get the idea. And trust me, this type of thing has occurred inside the consciousness of just about every human being on this planet - whether or not they're aware of it.) Well, this is a huge sign of resistance and the RM trying to return to homeostasis. Those who know me know that I'm a big proponent of self-love (both literal and figurative). I've experienced profound and life-changing visceral self-love and adoration. But still, this little demon inside of me came up today to be mean...especially when I'm in resistance. So, realizing how mean I was being to myself over the raspberry debacle, I immediately apologized to myself and took a few deep breaths. That helped it pass. And gave me more fodder for my blog. And reminded me to be gentler with myself.

Those are the main ways resistance rears it's ugly head. Tomorrow maybe I'll start loving my resistance & will stop calling it "ugly."

The question that pops into my mind after all of that is, what on earth is happening in your life that you're experiencing such resistance? Well, tune in tomorrow for part two of this blog. 

For today, ask yourself, where are you experiencing resistance & how can you be gentler with yourself about it in service to positive change? Because for me, resistance is strongest when the changes are the most positive. All the more reason to find a new homeostasis. 

To be continued...




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Posted by Katie Strand at 12:48 PM 0 comments
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