I kept waiting for Marcus Lovemore to return to me. Last year he wasn't totally him. The pain was so severe, the body so damaged from dialysis. He was still him, those who saw him in person February-November 2017 know... he never came back. That's one of the hardest things for me...
The memories of him being sick. Weak. So exhausted. Worn out. Being so severely underweight... you know those videos or pictures of Marcus that you have a hard time looking at on Facebook? Well, I lived with that image in full live 3D color. And he's the person I loved most in the world. And now, those memories are the most potent. Not just because of timing- they're obviously the most recent, but because of the trauma. Trauma does strange things to the brain. Seers memories where they might otherwise fade. The final moments & days... Those are the memories that have been coming back for about 2 weeks now. I know why. I've cleared directed my consciousness to heal and be without limitation in consciousness and experience. But that means I have to actually deal with all of this stuff. That would be easier to avoid. So I'm here, crying for the 4th time today, in the 5th month of grieving, in love and still trying to figure out my fucking life, and heal from the trauma and... still wanting to be alive! Which is fucking fantastic because December... I was straddling the fence.
Enough of a purge for now. I'm moving to the twin cities. Minneapolis/Saint Paul. Ask me in a personal conversation why, but I have family and support here while I grieve. Now if I could just find ways to bring in $$ commensurate with my experience and awesomeness.
Picture: July 2014, I think... before shit hit the fan.
