Katie Strand World: My Boyfriend has Autism...Maybe

My boyfriend Marcus has some peculiar behaviors.

Mostly, they're endearing. Sometimes they're annoying. But overall, I recognize that they make our relationship better, and they're damn entertaining. Fortunately, he's open to talking about any and everything that I want to talk about regarding any of these behaviors, which I love almost as much as his idiosyncrasies.

You see, here are some of his idiosyncrasies, as I see them now, and as we've discussed he had to adapt to in his formative years:

Adult Idiosyncrasies:

He likes to wear outfits, like his kung-fu style uniform that he wears over 90% of the time (much like Einstein, he has this same outfit so he doesn't have to think about what to wear - though Marcus has more color variety than Einstein reportedly did). The other 10% of the time, like some Polynesian or islander (which he currently is not), he also likes to wear sarongs when at home, in warm weather, or when...wanting to feel comfortable (or in my opinion, let things hang even more loose). Basically, it's a tie-on skirt. Yes, that's right. The girl who was told she was intimidating to boys as early as age 14 has a boyfriend who wears a skirt. (By the way, Marcus is not at all intimidated by me. Scared of me at times, maybe, but emasculated or intimidated by me...never! Whew!)
He doesn't care too much what people think. This is true to the extent that with clients (he's a martial arts teacher and health expert) he will do or say whatever is necessary to communicate with them what he sees they could change in their life to create the life they claim to want. The crazy, and great, and sometimes infuriating thing is that he's usually right. I've witnessed this with my Mother (who he took on as a client within a month of when we started dating), my Father (who is pre-diabetic and who I write about in my blog Yelling - One of the Highest Forms of Compassion), and his clients who are too stuck in their self-destructiveness to see their issues clearly. His main concern is their health, not that they like him.
Related to the above, he also has no problem being oppositional and no problem with confrontation. He prefers things all harmonious and calm, but will go toe to toe with anyone, especially clients, family and friends who are sacrificing their health and wellbeing because they're too stubborn or self-destructive to change. (Marcus says he believes he has more compassion than they have resistance.)
He has trouble with spelling, writing, and typing. He communicates very well verbally, but is prone to malapropism (habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially words that sound similar), and often mixes metaphors. For example, he likes to say prostrate, as in to bow down in submission, when he means prostate, as in the thing up a man's ass. He also says All-timers when he means Alzheimers. This is hilarious most of the time, though requires some translation when others are involved.
He is totally comfortable with silence, solitude, and being in his own little world.
He easily recalls and reiterates in minute detail facts about nutrition, physiology, bodily functions, statistics, physics, spirituality, and martial arts - basically anything he's passionately interested in, he'll get obsessive about, and will study and read about whatever topic (sometimes only once), and will recall and reiterate verbally with great detail. In fact, sometimes he gets so caught up talking about some topic he's passionate about that I have to whap him on the shoulder to snap him out of his rant.
He often rocks himself when he's trying to sleep or while in a very shallow-sleep-state.
He's loyal to a fault and has even let clients and friends go when (with his ex) people spoke up against his chosen mate.
He doesn't understand certain emotional withholding and defensiveness he sees in others and doesn't seem to do this himself.

Formative Year Idiosyncrasies:

He didn't start speaking until he was relatively old (3-4 years old) considering his IQ (taken at age 13) was 175.
He never crawled. He went from laying on the floor and maybe rolling around, straight to walking (or falling and getting back up, so determined he was to get to his feet).
He liked to rock himself back and forth. Says he just liked the way it felt. He would often calm himself or put himself to sleep by sitting cross-legged, rocking, and then he'd fall over once asleep.
He liked to wear outfits as a child and throughout high school and didn't care what his peers thought. For example, as a child he wore a cape and nothing else. Oh, wait, he sometimes wore socks too, but that's it. A cape and socks. In high school, he liked to wear a a hat: either a derby hat, a top-hat, or a rainbow, propeller beanie, a coat with tails, and cargo pants or Bermuda shorts. And under the coat, he would wear a Hawaiian shirt, and under the Hawaiian shirt he wore a t-shirt with something obscene or rude written on it. And he used to rollerskate everywhere. But when he wasn't wearing some form of this outfit with rollerskates, he would wear $200 casual loafers. No socks (unlike his cape-wearing days as a child).
For fun as a teenager he'd go argue with religious zealots in West Hollywood late into the night.
He never liked the taste of alcohol or cigarettes and was generally immune to peer pressure about such things.
But for about 2 months around the age of 12 he smoked cigars because he thought it looked cool. (But he gave it up because it stunk more than it looked cool.)
He started meditating when he was seven, mostly because he wanted to be a witch or wizard, and he read in a book that wizards and witches have to be peaceful and open, and certain meditations and prayers are the best way to achieve that.... He says he knew what prayer was, but wanted to check out meditation. So at seven years of age, went to the local spiritual book store (The Bodhi Tree for you Los Angelenos), and asked if they had any books on meditation (which is sort of like walking into a grocery store and asking if they have any food).
It was a good thing he found meditation, because right around the same time, he had a nervous break down because he was overstimulated by the world and his contemplations, particularly his concerns with particle- and astrophysics. He says he knew how destructive and impermanent everything could be and it stressed him out to the point of having a breakdown, and this stress was exacerbated by the fact that he felt isolated because none of his friends at the time (even his "older" 13-year-old friends), nor his parents, could really converse with him about all of his end-of-the-world concerns. Thank the heavens he found meditation soon thereafter because otherwise he might've gone to drugs (prescription or recreational) to quell his demons.

The reason I'm listing all of these things is simple. Anyone who has any experience with Autism or Asperger's knows that a lot of these "symptoms" are associated with these diagnoses. He may also have some traits that might classify him as ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder, even though when he really decides to focus on something, he can do so. He still has a vast capacity to consider many different perspectives simultaneously, and were he a child today, there's a high probability he'd be flagged as Asperger's, ADD, or some other disorder-du-jour in the school system.

And I want to tell all of you. He is a fantastic man. All of these idiosyncrasies are attributes that not only make him great at his work, but they make him a great and loyal boyfriend, friend, son and relative. It's worth mentioning that he's also never been medicated or diagnosed for any of the aforementioned idiosyncrasies. This is what your child with Autism, ADD or Asperger's could turn into. Now I readily admit that if he does have some version of Autism or Asperger's, he's very high functioning, and I don't pretend to know how challenging it must be to have a child who has Autism. But I just feel so compelled to share with you all about Marcus, because I suspect part of the challenge of having a child with Autism or Asperger's is trying to imagine their future. Well their future could very well be bright and unique.

Two side notes:
I recently saw a video from a guy I've mentioned on several blogs, Aajonus Vonderplanitz, and he talked about how he had dyslexia and Autism growing up and how it lifted when he was in his early twenties after he drank organic, fresh-pressed carrot juice & raw milk for ten days. Ten days. (Though when he stopped drinking the raw juice his dyslexia started to come back, so it seems to be a systemic nutritional thing.) I'd say it's worth a try. Good nutrition certainly won't hurt. (Sources: The Primal Diet Workshop DVD Set and Natural Health Magazine interview.)

The second note is to see the movie Temple Grandin and if you're intrigued, to read her books. It was on HBO a few months ago, but can be found online and should be available via DVD shortly. Clare Danes does an excellent job as Temple, and the story is captivating, moving, and sheds so much light on one woman's story and the struggles and gifts of her Autism for her and the world.

What else?

Oh. It might have something to do with his Asperger's that he's the first man I've ever been in a relationship with (and I've dated some fantastic men) who hasn't done some version of the emotional pull-away and/or lost his attraction for me as the relationship progresses. It's only been a year and I recognize that our relationship will evolve in unknown ways, but when we talk about this he says he doesn't understand why men would pull away emotionally. "Why would they want to feel, give and receive less love? That doesn't make any sense to me." He has superior pattern recognition, and I think early on in his life he identified patterns in relationships, and concluded that to have more love, affection and closeness, it made no sense to pull away. Also, the same mechanism for people with Asperger's or Autism that creates obsessiveness also can create calm and sound determination... that once they decide to do something, they tend to stick to it. That's how Marcus views relationships, love, and feeling good.

So whomever you are out there, with a child, sibling, nephew, niece or grandchild who may have Asperger's, Autism, or ADD, know that you should treat this person as gifted and special, and in no way is this a dire diagnosis. I know my Asperger beau is gifted and special and I wouldn't want him any other way.

But you might want to vehemently encourage meditation and good, wholesome nutrition. If they're too hyperactive for the sitting-still style of meditation, check into Qi Gong or Tai Chi, where the meditation happens with movement.

In parting, Marcus says, "I'm a very good driver...very good driver."

Indeed, he is. Though he stopped watching Judge Wapner years ago.

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Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Boyfriend has Autism...Maybe

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