The one year anniversary for Marcus Lovemore is this weekend. I've been in reflection about it for a year, but especially these last few weeks.
I want to celebrate him. I have been, I suppose.
But I also feel... so sad he isn't here. I want him HERE damn it.
In the most challenging moments, I feel really angry about this:
Shitty people. And I'm not a value-judger, generally... But people I perceive to be behaving in unkind or manipulative or cruel or dishonest or violent ways towards others - they really piss me off in these moments of missing Marcus and not understanding why they get to be here and he doesn't or isn't.
Perhaps he's the lucky one? He felt so free during his transition - I swear I could feel him in complete & total acceptance and smiling and saying "wee" as he felt himself free from the body that was no longer suitable to be his home.
But I know... I could be making that up. And I know it could also have been him. We humans don't currently have a way to test the validity of my experience... So this:
In addition to years of training myself to release language and thoughts of value-judgments, I also released "fair" or "deserve" as life factors or reasons. Choices to be made are fine, discernment is fine, but fair and deserve are rarely deciding factors for how things happen in life. The primary... perhaps the only thing we really can do is inquire and choose based on clarity not reactivity - and reactivity is laced throughout fair and deserve and... should. Like, "Marcus should be here and they (the "bad" people) shouldn't!"
Perhaps that statement is justifiable, but it's not true because it's not reality. When we argue with reality, with what IS, we always loose.
I became a widow in my 30s. I thought Marcus's death would take away my will to live.
I was wrong.
What else might I be wrong about?
If you've made it this far, here is my ask:
Please keep your phone near you on November 3rd and 4th and use it to call or text me. I might need to talk. I might need to face time. I might need to cry or laugh with loves, especially those who knew Marcus. I was going to throw a memorial party but was uncertain if I wanted to be in a big crowd. So I'll be spending some time in Minneapolis with some beloved friends. And I'll be spending some time on the phone or text or video chat with beloved friends... I hope! Nov 3rd was when my heart broke. I'll never forget the moment the surgeon told me he wasn't going to ever wake up. That was November 3rd. November 4th was the day he transitioned, 25 hours after he got out of surgery. His heart stopped after a day of visitors coming in & telling stories - after everyone who wanted to see him got to see him. There was no one en route and no one who didn't get to say their peace. His heart stopped without medical intervention. He was in acceptance. He was ready. That's how it felt to all of us in the room.
I celebrate this man. I celebrate this life.
And the world seems a dimmer place without him physical here.
But I'm pretty certain he's happy, free and soaring... if there's anything after this earth-suit human life.
