I'm Lazy!

I get that this sounds nuts, but (perhaps) welcome to Katie Strand 2017-2018!

Sometimes it occurs to me that I workout so hard and eat healthy not for the reasons people assume or glean from seeing or talking with me but, because I'm lazy! (Or intolerant!)

Here's the breakdown:

I don't like nor want to do, nor want to spend time doing the following every single day:

*Put on makeup 

*Style my hair

*Wear spanx (some women wear multiple pairs for special, squeeze-worthy occasions like eh hem the Golden Globes-- hollywood stylists might be the biggest promoter of spanx)

*Have my body not function (digestion, sleep, mental, etc) due to toxicity or odd hormones or excess weight

*Be hung over

*Be dependent on side-effect laden prescriptions (I've seen this first hand)

*Get procedures or surgery to look.... xyz (younger healthier prettier etc.)

*Feel lethargic or slow due to overeating or digesting something heavy or hard to digest 

*Wonder what might fit clothing-wise

*Feel disconnected 

People think I'm disciplined... perhaps it seems that way, but I don't feel disciplined. The alternative is just simply too unpleasant, unthinkable even. How it feels in my body, and seems spiritually like flipping off God or something. 

Also, I want to be able to do all the things I want to do... dance, martial arts, volleyball, aerial acrobatics, yoga, SUP, perform on stage without feeling fatigue, whatever new physical thing I want to try, with minimal body restriction or limitation. 

The last asterisk... "don't want to feel disconnected"... when that happens for me, wow. Grief is a real motherfucker, but when my connection is diminished, holy shit watch out. About alcohol, I figured this out the first month after Marcus Lovemore passed --- that drinking anything more than 2-3 drinks total per week (or more than 1 per night) creates a noticeably less connected state within me. It lowers my vibration. I don't like it. In the vernacular we call alcohol a "depressant" and I suppose that's as good a description as any... but all the health stuff I do and continue to do, the earthsuit I wear looking how it looks (I like the way I look now but I liked how I looked before; I just prefer this, I asked for this/did the work but Marcus created the program! 😝) is just a side effect because vanity alone isn't motivation enough... it feels too superficial. 

Feeling so much gratitude for Marcus's profound effect on me and my life. 

Today's confession/dirt:

I find myself judging people who don't care for themselves and their physical/mental health... but not that they're bad, but it annoys me that they're not doing more for themselves when they have ALL their organs working!! Doesn't seem fair that they get to be here, alive, and Marcus isn't and he wanted to live more than anyone I've ever known! And would do anything, without attachment nor much discernible resistance, in service to his health and connection. 

When I'm really missing him like right now, I say aloud (in a whisper if in public)...

I love you

I love you

I love you

Always 3 times. Don't know why. It just feels right. 

One of my outfits Marcus adored. 2015, I think.

I'm Lazy!

I get that this sounds nuts, but (perhaps) welcome to Katie Strand 2017-2018!

Sometimes it occurs to me that I workout so hard and eat healthy not for the reasons people assume or glean from seeing or talking with me but, because I'm lazy! (Or intolerant!)

Here's the breakdown:

I don't like nor want to do, nor want to spend time doing the following every single day:

*Put on makeup 

*Style my hair

*Wear spanx (some women wear multiple pairs for special, squeeze-worthy occasions like eh hem the Golden Globes-- hollywood stylists might be the biggest promoter of spanx)

*Have my body not function (digestion, sleep, mental, etc) due to toxicity or odd hormones or excess weight

*Be hung over

*Be dependent on side-effect laden prescriptions (I've seen this first hand)

*Feel lethargic or slow due to overeating or digesting something heavy or hard to digest 

*Wonder what might fit clothing-wise

*Feel disconnected 

People think I'm disciplined... perhaps it seems that way, but I don't feel disciplined. The alternative is just simply too unpleasant, unthinkable even. Like flipping off God or something. 

Also, I want to be able to do all the things I want to do... dance, martial arts, volleyball, aerial acrobatics, yoga, whatever new physical thing I want to try, with minimal body restriction or limitation. 

The last asterisk... "don't want to feel disconnected"... I figured this out the first month after Marcus Lovemore passed --- that drinking anything more than 2-3 drinks (or more than 1 per night) total per week creates a less connected state within me. It lowers my vibration. I don't like it. In the vernacular we call alcohol a "depressant" and I suppose that's as good a description as any... but all the health stuff I do and continue to do, the earthsuit I wear looking how it looks (I like the way I look now but I liked how I looked before; I just prefer this, I asked for this/did the work but Marcus created the program! 😝) is just a side effect because vanity alone isn't motivation enough... it feels too superficial. 

Feeling so much gratitude for Marcus's profound effect on me and my life. 

Today's confession/dirt:

I find myself judging people who don't care for themselves and their physical/mental health... but not that they're bad, but it annoys me that they're not doing more for themselves when they have ALL their organs working!! Doesn't seem fair that they get to be here, alive, and Marcus isn't and he wanted to live more than anyone I've ever known! And would do anything, without attachment nor much discernible resistance, in service to his health and connection. 

When I'm really missing him like right now, I say aloud (in a whisper if in public)...

I love you

I love you

I love you

Always 3 times. Don't know why. It just feels right. 

One of my outfits Marcus adored. 2015, I think.

How Can I Love Today?

Yesterday, a dear friend expressed to me the profound effect Marcus Lovemore had on their life. Especially the video. You know the one. I've shared it a bunch. (Lovemore Life, Liberation Through Choice, Pain vs. Suffering; we screened it at the memorial.)

They also mentioned that they had never witnessed greater love between two people...

This morning I do an hour meditation, then start making tea, and my curious mind goes to work on this...

Then my psychic fingers reach for the ethereal realm as I dwell in my curiosity...

How did we do this?

How did Marcus do this?

I felt him.

From the past. 

Time indeed is becoming... less linear as I'm more connected.

I feel him now.

Smiling. Laughing. Nodding. Whispering... "you already know..."

Clarity.

It floods in like the last moments of a fissure in a damn...

Every day, most every moment, he would hold these questions in his heart: How can I love her today? What can I find to love about her today? What new discovery lays in this glorious creature? What thing that I already love can I expand upon and steep-in about her? I choose love.

He was choosing love. All the time. 

I see it now so clearly.

He taught me how. Showed me how. 

His body was in pain. Virtually the whole time we were together. Yet he was able to choose love. 

And it wasn't just about me. He did this with virtually everything. Finding something FOR him, something to facilitate his continued connection to source. Which is why LOVE is so powerful. It does that. Connects. To self. To source. 

I wear goofy outfits sometimes. He would delight in this. I make funny faces while I'm expressing myself. He would delight in this. I twist and stretch my toes when I'm laying and watching TV. He would delight in this. As a few inconsequential examples. 

That's why. It was challenging being with someone with a chronic condition. Kidney failure has a higher morbidity rate than cancer. Think on that. Certainly there were thousands of compromises... around travel, physical ability to do stuff together, sports,
work, art, dance, money, family... so many compromises. And yet... to be loved like that. 

Here's the dirt:
I would get annoyed with him because of how hard it was, even before 2017 (we had zero hospitalizations for our first 8 years together) ...that I felt I was shouldering a greater load. Work, money, housework, sorting all of it... but I couldn't lie to myself that the reactive mind's perception was real. The balance was spiritual. I saw him showing up, loving me, being present, staying engaged (not checking out). So rather than sit in annoyance, I'd meditate more. Talk things through with him. Exercise. Expand my mind. Learn. Kundalini. Play music. Hit the pad. Do Yoga. For my health and because I couldn't fool myself, my soul's been through too many rotations for that lie to stick. I did grow. I didn't stay annoyed. I was able to let go, and be with him. Bask in that love. 

To be loved. In an evolving, ever growing way. It's a profound thing. 

1-2 years before I met Marcus, I told a man who had rejected me countless times that "I want to grow in the way that I love..." he said no.

Marcus said yes. Bigger than I ever could have imagined. 

To witness someone actively choosing love, life, gratitude, joy, to learn by their example... what a profound gift. And to receive, and be open enough to receive... and to be able to love him and express that love so fully. Because I sort of leave a crater when I hit, he had to ground when I'd run and hug him. But to love to my fullest capacity, and to be loved to the fullest capacity. Wow. I'm the luckiest earthling. 

I was afraid Marcus's death would make me bitter. Angry. At God. At everything. At everyone.

Marcus laughs at that.

The Seeds of My Soul

I wish I could fully convey the strange contradiction I'm experiencing. Here's one example and attempt to illuminate...

Everything is insecure in my life. Almost everything. Don't know where I'm going to live. Don't know where/how I'm going to work and support myself. I have freelance work and seem to get work whenever without spending much time "searching," and I'm staying with a friend in a makeshift room in her den (friend is awesome, but it's temporary)... 

and... more than anything, I know I need to just BE as I'm grieving this first year. Not worrying about money or housing or work. But life is life. 

And how to do that after we spent virtually all of our money trying to save his life? And not having him by my side? My favorite person on the planet! My sounding board! My love, my friend, my confidant! How do I do this?

Since Marcus Lovemore transitioned, 90% or more of the worry, doubt, fear and judgment that took up real estate in my thinking & time, no longer occupy that space. The reason it's 90% and not 100... a little bit of that still happens. I'm still human. But the majority of the time, it just feels wrong. Dissonant. Tastes bitter. It doesn't seem like "choosing" other, it seems WRONG, like that just doesn't work anymore. 

Now when I hear Michael Beckwith speak, I'm crying, laughing, nodding my head, agreeing not for what I'm going for, but for what I'm EXPERIENCING. That's different. Witnessing Marcus all these years... this was the space he was in. It's as if my cells have been infused with the essence of him. I'm perhaps now... Katie Strand with a soupçon (pronounced sue-sahn, French for "a little bit") of Marcus!

...Or a giant dousing of Marcus!

I'd rather have him here physically, but healthy, whole, smiling, laughing, talking, hugging. 

A few times I made Marcus laugh so hard that he passed out. It's a kidney/blood pressure thing coupled with laughing hard, but if it happened in public without a place to sit down, I made him hug me while laughing to ensure he wouldn't pass out, fall and hurt himself. It became a running joke and edict: HUG when you laugh. 🤗

Now I hear him saying, "this is better cause we're connected all the time!" 

My heart wells, feeling strangely like my eyes welling with tears, "but I'm so lonely without you physically here..."

That's whats up for me right now. 

Anyone still reading, I do need a more stable place to live in Los Angeles. This year I am emerging and will emerge the Performer-Artist-Rockstar that the SEEDS of my soul pre-programmed and pre-ordained to be, connecting and inspiring, with Marcus smiling and cheering me on...

it almost seems silly to doubt. 

The purpose is actually more basic than performer, artist or rockstar, but the depth of it requires a deeper conversation, so have that with me if you're curious and open. 

Wherever I live will be steeped in meditation/prayer, music, love, health, connection, abundance and fun. It will be nice to have a stable place in LA; I'm open and connected. 

Notes:

I'm experienced at house and pet sitting. With references. I eat clean. Organic. Non-gmo. Mostly vegetarian but strategic & humanely raised and raw dairy. Marcus taught me so much, I'm physically in the best shape of my life, kind of ironically.

If I didn't have my physical health right now I probably wouldn't be here. This year... 2017. WTF?!? Well you all have some context on that.

I workout and meditate daily. I'm a great cook but Marcus and I used to cook together and I cooked for him a lot this year, so it's still a little sad and tender for me, but as the months progress, I'll likely be cooking more, and could help with health goals, meal planning, groceries and cooking if it supports my people and living environment. Marcus and I both had the track record of making whatever home we were living HEALTHIER in every way. This last year we didn't do that as well as all of our focus was on keeping us both as healthy as possible, and especially on saving his life. 

As far as geography for anyone outside the LA area... beauty, community, and music. It's imperative my location allows for music creating, collaborating and performing. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks to those who've offered to host me. I'll consider those invitations open until you rescind, but of course we'd need to iron out details. I'm kind of fun to be around, but still need to excuse myself to cry on a regular basis. I sing for my supper. FTHG*

GRIEF. It's not for quitters. 

Thanks for your support and love. Still need lots of hugs and time with friends. I'm in the process of joining a bereavement group, thanks for the encouragement on that Kathleen McCartin. ❤️

LOVE & GRATITUDE TO YOU ALL!:

Jason Schuyler

Lisa Durow Cruz

Camilla Dhanak

Andrew Goldstein

Lury Norris

Lauren Kornberg

Mams Taylor

Mo Ramchandani

Lisa Jennings

Diana Flotten

Monick Paul Halm

Grenda David

Jessica Chiles

Gregory Porter

Dror Amir

Andy Blessing

Peter Ciriello

Augie Alexander

Emily Jackson

Mary Alice Jouppi

Vickie Winston

Linda S. Montgomery

Allan Palmer

Dylan Nelson

Dan Sturman

*FTHG = For The Highest Good