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Monday, December 25, 2017

Home

Last night, Christmas Eve, someone said to me, "it must be so good to come home..." and I just stared at her blankly. Hours later, in the wee small hours, I realized for me...


Home.


Home was with him. Home was where he was. Where we were together. That was home these last years. Home. 


Just writing that brings massive amounts of tears. Face streaked wet with salt water. 


Home has been, when together with him, HOME HAS BEEN US, for years now. He was my family. My home. 


I have more family, friends who are family-like, other dwellings that are familiar, home-like, but not the same way we were partnered...


We were home to each other.


I'm grateful home got to hold his body's hand as he transitioned. 


I'm sure this will shift and evolve as time does and I do, but it's such an unsettling feeling. No home. Literally and figuratively.


Sunday, December 24, 2017

It's All A Gift

We played this video at the memorial. 


I've shared it on Facebook. 


But, it's worth sharing...


over and over. 


Especially at Christmastime when everything is, for many people, amplified. 


Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Wishing Joy & Love to all of you, from Marcus Lovemore and Katie Strand. 


Later maybe I'll do a video of a song (share my gift some more), but Marcus is my gift now in so many previously unfathomable ways. 


It's ALL a gift.


https://youtu.be/Q_JqPqDjElA



Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Something Is Missing

It feels like something is missing...


All the time. 


It's eerie. 


Weird. 


Those around me can testify, I'm losing things, spilling, misplacing, absent minded. Unusual for me. 


It doesn't bother me much, but it always feels like something's missing so my radar is off to that intuitive message. 


Then I realize. It's him. He is what's missing. 


I still feel and hear him when I reach out. That's not gone for anyone wondering. 


But the black hole in my heart and soul left by his absence is...


No words. 


Vast?


Deep?


Unknown?


Becoming familiar?


Filled?


Not filled, but made less obvious, by my time with loved ones. Experiences. Sharing. Authenticity. 


Suddenly...


The missing thing feels huge. Insurmountable. Obvious. And I'm back in that black hole. 


I'll be dancing. 


Laughing. 


Singing.


Playing guitar.


Exercising. 


Smiling. 


Having a good time. 


Then it hits me. I perceive the black hole in its depth and entirety. I fall in. 


Sometimes it lasts a few seconds. Sometimes minutes. Hours? Not that I can recall, but I typically lose time in the black hole. 


Then I emerge and I probably seem fine. And I probably am. I've forgotten again what exactly is missing. 


Until the next cosmic event.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Lovemore Said That It Is All a Gift

Cried sobbing breakdowns in two different alleyways last night. 


That's a first. Alleyway breakdown. Take me to the Alley...


Danced my ass off too. That was fantastic. Thanks Clare & Seth. 🤗 Being out at a karaoke bar and dance club required improvisation for said breakdowns. 


For years we had been modifying, honing, taking respite, adjusting protocol, researching, tweaking, keeping records. I told Marcus Lovemore I wanted to be in the best shape of my life. It took us almost nine years, but I'm just about here. It's... marvelous. I realized very recently that as an artist, my default tool is myself... my mind, my voice, my hands (guitar piano) my body, and why I kept seeking this muscular healthy state wasn't vanity (that was confusing because I assumed it was at least partially vanity), my life as fodder, and my first instrument is me. Sounds strange. Anyone get what I mean? 


But because I want to be able to create with my instrument in the most limitless way possible.... The way of no way! 😂 shout out Bruce Lee! ...my instrument has to be highly honed, tuned, exercised, oiled, massaged and protected... or the tone won't be as rich. 


Flying to Minnesota today. Come out & play if you're in Minneapolis. I'll be in Duluth Dec 19-? Prob dec 30. 


Thanks for being there so that I may share this surprising and transformational experience. 


Reuben Langdon

Derron Ross

Jeff Croteau

Tennyson Ewing Stead

Jeff Perkowitz

Kate Helen Goodman Eiynck

Karyn Smith-Forge

Nadia Tene

Gregory Porter

Piper Monique Dellums

Carl Hansen

Paz Fernandez


P.S. Anyone worried for my safety. I've got angels showing up everywhere and my sensitivity for people's energy is off the charts, higher than ever before in my life so... last night it was a security guard named "Haven" no kidding. Remind me to share the security guard story about Marcus another time. 


I've got this people. I need lots and lots of support and love and compassion and help but I'm "in the flow."  Cry, breathe, laugh, dance, eat, work, breathE, sing, play, sleep... 


New song new lyric: 

Lovemore said that it is all a gift

Connect to me I've got your assist 

I don't want to do this solo

Baby worry not you're in the flow



"Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature." - Michael Faraday

Saturday, December 9, 2017

How To Make Widowing Suck A Little Less

My heart feels like it's breaking... all the time. 


And then another moment I'm powerful, beautiful, alive, free. 


Then another, chest aching heartache, hyperventilating crying, rocking myself to some semblance of strings-held together comfort, grasping my own shirt, my own hair, anything to ground to, to grasp, to hold onto. 


This widowing is such a fucking mixed and surprising bag. Whatever i may be, some mad scientist artist renaissance bohemian, this process is so very curious... to me. I'm observing myself go through it, knowing some of my psych colleagues would identify that as disassociation, to which I reply, "no, I'm Viktor Frankeling being a widow." Only, my task is considerably smaller than Mr. Frankels was. So I observe and document by sharing with whomever will read. I can't find my current journal. Whoops. It'll turn up. Songs are happening. And sometimes, I write here and there's something cathartic in sharing. So I share. 


I feel so much now. Like fog has lifted, and I can't go back. It's extraordinary. Intense. Overwhelming. Serene. Powerful. Mysterious. 


Thanks for all your dedications, time, hugs, phone calls, concerts, lunches, outings dinners, thoughts, prayers, vibes...  everything! Today I went to Griffith Observatory! It was so lovely, thank you Taja Magon!


Derron Ross

Erin Brown

Carl Hansen

Andrew Goldstein

Piper Monique Dellums

Allan Palmer

Jeff Perkowitz

Kate Helen Goodman Eiynck

Gregory Porter

Jessica Chiles

Jason Schuyler

Paz Fernandez

Dave Shirazi

Eric Malmberg

Diana Flotten

Andy Flotten

Kay Strand

Linda S. Montgomery

Mary Alice Jouppi

Robert Prentice


Rollercoaster! Just typing all your names reminded me how loved I am... and how grateful I am for all of you. Thank you so much. Thank you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 there are so many more people I want to name, David Couper, I love you! It's just incredible.

Ok I can't see no more. Pouring tears. Heartbreak tears are now gratitude tears. And love. It's so weird. That line Patrick Swazee says at the very end of Ghost, it's actually true. Something like "the love you feel... it's incredible." I think I'm dipping a toe in that. Maybe. 




P.S. Be careful about watching season 3 of Jane The Virgin. SPOILER ALERT ... ... 

....





it's lousy with widow stuff and themes that'll likely bring on the waterworks is theres anyone out there in that space. I might've postponed watching but... I'm along for the ride tonight.  She's no longer Jane the Virgin, she's Jane the Widow! Argh! Cheesy TV shows that are helping me cry! 😝

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Lovemore Life - Liberation Through Choice - Pain vs Suffering

https://youtu.be/Q_JqPqDjElA


I love you Marcus Lovemore.



"Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature." - Michael Faraday

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Marcus Lovemore Dell Memorial Party

Marcus Lovemore Dell Memorial Party

12noon-3pm Saturday November 18, 2017, service at 1pm
1318 S. Orange Grove Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90019

Please RSVP on Facebook invite, or reply-all & lovely Jessica Chiles will help keep track (if you've already RSVP'd on FB, no need to repeat).

The following instructions were given to me to share with everyone regarding the party:
Rules:
#1: Have a good time
#2: Wear white or bright colors, none of that black funeral bullshit
#3: Bring some organic delicious food to share, stuff I can eat
#4: If you want to cry, well go on and do it, then let it go and resume rule #1
#5 Tell stories, the funnier or crazier the better.
#6 Share what I left behind: my art, my people, my teaching, my joy, my gratitude, my videos and pictures. This is a celebration of my life.
#7 Support my lady. Help her please. Hugs. Fun. Work. Collaboration. Donations. She needs support.
#8 Sell my reproducible digital art at the party, give my lady support as she's grieving and rebuilding her life.
#9 Film the stories people tell during the ceremony, to be used for posterity and for or as research for the movie about my life.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! (The Lovemore Miracle of 2017)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Firstly, the other message I wrote about how I adamantly yada yadaed (not to undermine how awesome I did in this thing, just paraphrasing), but also, it was after a day of meditation and prayer. No shit. Lots of it. So Divine gets some credit here. Absolutely. All the credit.
Tonight. In bed. Cannot sleep. Even with all my usual tricks & extras of them.
I'm stirring. Somethings not settling. It's not just worry. It's my brain piecing all this together...
I made a list today to talk with the doctor. Some aren't worth sharing, but here's the pattern... I started asking to speak with the doctor at 9:30am, he came to speak with me at 4: 45... much to late to schedule procedures!
Blue-ish finger tips (new as of 3 days ago)
Bowel Movements had been daily, since Saturday once every 2 days (oral opiates re-introduced sunday - constipation due to opiates or gastroparesis having a flare-up?)
Cannot breathe nor lie flat...
The doctor, nice guy, smart enough, Dr. SoAndSo not as smart as this lady!
He didn't see it! No one sees it!
Marcus Lovemore would. If he were coherent enough to think...
Anyone? Anyone?
Oh, shit!
This cyst thing is restricting his bowel. Doctor SoAndSo agrees on that. What he didn't see:
This thing is restricting his bowel, AND his circulation, AND his breathing, AND his dialysis. They've been blaming the catheter, but it's probably this damn mass in his abdomen that's restricting his blood flow! Fuck! And... They are refusing to drain the cyst until Marcus gets the CT scan which makes him feel like he's suffocating. 
Wait a minute. Those bad-ass Interventional Radiologists at UCLA could probably thread a needle through your ovary orthoscopically with an ultrasound and a beer!
So this sort of comes to me tonight while I'm trying to sleep... What do I do now? At 2am? I can't call that IR's number. He called me a few days ago (it might be a service) but if it's his cel... that's pretty... rude. He's the damn CHIEF of the Interventional Radiology department at UCLA...sure we talked on the phone once about Marcus a few days ago, but... do I have that privilege yet? I started a text to him. Stopped. Put it in my calendar to call them firs thing in the morning. Took a beat... felt uneasy about that plan.
New plan.
Call UCLA. All reputable doctors & hospitals have some on-call after hours thing. It's a fact. It's unfortunate I know this at my age.
Page the on-call Radiologist who (since my guy is the big guy at UCLA) will certainly know my IR guy and be able to get to him easier and faster than I will. Plus, these guys don't get to be cowboys like the cardio or neruo guys, so this might be kind of great for them to have a double-IR emergency case in a guy like Marcus who has "one of the most unique scans I've ever seen," or "the most unique anatomy or vascular system I've ever seen" or, my personal favorite: "I've spent more time looking at your x-ray than any other patient and I've only known you for two weeks." To which I replied (to the Attending Doc at Cottage): That's kind of intimate, did you buy him dinner first?
Sorry, sleep-depraived tangent. Finish, then sleep, must share. I feel relief if I share.
Ok... Sorry!
Anyway, thank you thank you thank you is what I said after I got off the phone with the on-call IR, Dr Fellow and he's on it! he's going to tell Mr. Big first thing in the morning and work on getting Marcus transferred to UCLA as soon as possible. He agreed with my assessment and it's urgency. Yay! I told him to call me anytime. Marcus is actually sleeping. We re-bandaged his feet tonight before I left and the nurses think it helped him sleep. Nurses are aware of the transfer and told me "we will encourage it" (we made friends after a rocky start (she forced me to leave/hospital rules, but Marcus was really in agony and asking me to stay), again divine giving me grace let go, pick and choose my battles (I left which I needed to do for myself anyway, angels come in all packages and connections). Whew! Now time for me to sleep. Feeling grateful. Hopeful.

https://www.gofundme.com/healingmarcus



Marcus Lovemore & Katie Strand
During beefier times.
Visualize him like this.
Pray. Pray. It works.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Marcus Lovemore & Katie Strand: Status/Health Update 11 August 2017

For the past 9 months, my partner Marcus Lovemore has been in severe pain and at risk of dying due to complications from 19 years on dialysis, the most recent of which are gastroparesis, calcification (of bowels and arteries), an infection that required two months of life-saving but also seriously damaging antibiotics (which caused the gastroparesis), gangrenous (dry) right toes, and severe neuropathy which causes 10-level pain. I haven't written in my blog because I've been taking care of him full time, got laid off from work (though they tried to just cut hours to avoid paying unemployment fees), and moved TWICE seeking better doctors and proper/affordable living accommodations. 


Marcus Lovemore is at his lowest weight. 117 pounds on his 5 foot 9, relatively large boned, previously athletic body is way too light. He should be 165+.

I'm crying as I dictate this, because I'm scared to lose him. And seeing a loved one in this much pain and weakness is really difficult! The dialysis center made a mistake and he didn't get his nutrients on Wednesday. He receives 1200 calories of nutrients every time he does dialysis. But for the second time now he didn't receive it due to some clerical or nursing or shipping error.

A severely underweight person cannot afford to cut 1200 calories a week. 

I feel so broken from this whole experience. Every time I think we've made progress, every time it seems like he's getting better, there's another setback.

I've witnessed Marcus heal and recover (himself & others) from so many things considered "incurable" by western medicine. It's still possible for him to recover, but he has been through tremendous pain and trials and weakness and sleep deprivation... 

Truthfully I don't know how he's doing it. It's a testament to his mental fortitude and resilience. It's almost like all of his life choices and experiences make him uniquely qualified to do this, meditation (1hr/day or more since age 7!), martial arts, art, athletics... all of it training to be present and maintain will to live despite the pain & shit of this... but it still sucks to go through and watch. I've never seen anything like it. He is remarkable.

Come visit. Come help. Donate. Send others to help or share our story if you're not geographically or financially able to help. This is our time of need, still. Our stuff is disorganized and we may be quiet or sub-par company, but we need help. 

Gratitudes:
I'm so grateful for Marcus Lovemore. He's an awesome person, man, partner... 
I'm grateful for my health and body-- that Marcus helped me create!
I'm grateful for Monick Paul Halm, who is having a soiree Saturday & invited me after I requested some sister/ladies time. 
I'm grateful for Linda S. Montgomery, sending colloidal silver and support. 
I'm grateful for Floyd Dillman for amazing support and encouragement! 
I'm grateful for Rollie and Kay Strand, for support and for being my parents, and for trying their best to love & embrace Marcus.
I'm grateful to Vickie Winston for ongoing support. 
I'm grateful to Mo Ramchandani for support and knowing how fucking hard it is to be a medical advocate for a loved one.
I'm grateful for Piper Dellums, for understanding, love and support.
I'm grateful to Jeff Perkowitz, Tennyson Ewing Stead, Reuben Langdon, Derron Ross, and all of Marcus's friends, clients and students. FB won't let me tag anyone else (some FB snafu), so I'll close here, apologies if I didn't grateful you by name, I blame Facebook. 

You, who took time to read this to the end, I'm grateful for YOU.