What Else Might I Be Wrong About?

Lovemore Life Pain vs Suffering - One Year Anniversary (originally published October 30, 2018)

The one year anniversary for Marcus Lovemore is this weekend. I've been in reflection about it for a year, but especially these last few weeks.

I want to celebrate him. I have been, I suppose.

But I also feel... so sad he isn't here. I want him HERE damn it.

In the most challenging moments, I feel really angry about this:
Shitty people. And I'm not a value-judger, generally... But people I perceive to be behaving in unkind or manipulative or cruel or dishonest or violent ways towards others - they really piss me off in these moments of missing Marcus and not understanding why they get to be here and he doesn't or isn't.
Perhaps he's the lucky one? He felt so free during his transition - I swear I could feel him in complete & total acceptance and smiling and saying "wee" as he felt himself free from the body that was no longer suitable to be his home.

But I know... I could be making that up. And I know it could also have been him. We humans don't currently have a way to test the validity of my experience... So this:
In addition to years of training myself to release language and thoughts of value-judgments, I also released "fair" or "deserve" as life factors or reasons. Choices to be made are fine, discernment is fine, but fair and deserve are rarely deciding factors for how things happen in life. The primary... perhaps the only thing we really can do is inquire and choose based on clarity not reactivity - and reactivity is laced throughout fair and deserve and... should. Like, "Marcus should be here and they (the "bad" people) shouldn't!"

Perhaps that statement is justifiable, but it's not true because it's not reality. When we argue with reality, with what IS, we always loose.

I became a widow in my 30s. I thought Marcus's death would take away my will to live.
I was wrong.
What else might I be wrong about?

If you've made it this far, here is my ask:
Please keep your phone near you on November 3rd and 4th and use it to call or text me. I might need to talk. I might need to face time. I might need to cry or laugh with loves, especially those who knew Marcus. I was going to throw a memorial party but was uncertain if I wanted to be in a big crowd. So I'll be spending some time in Minneapolis with some beloved friends. And I'll be spending some time on the phone or text or video chat with beloved friends... I hope! Nov 3rd was when my heart broke. I'll never forget the moment the surgeon told me he wasn't going to ever wake up. That was November 3rd. November 4th was the day he transitioned, 25 hours after he got out of surgery. His heart stopped after a day of visitors coming in & telling stories - after everyone who wanted to see him got to see him. There was no one en route and no one who didn't get to say their peace. His heart stopped without medical intervention. He was in acceptance. He was ready. That's how it felt to all of us in the room.

I celebrate this man. I celebrate this life.

And the world seems a dimmer place without him physical here.

But I'm pretty certain he's happy, free and soaring... if there's anything after this earth-suit human life.

 

True Color

https://www.facebook.com/1006423684/posts/10216046811535533/

Wish I had... gone into the paint section with Marcus Lovemore. I never called him "Black" cuz it seemed inaccurate. Brown was one word I used, but given more time, I talked about the reddish tone, the softness of his skin, the highlights of blonde and red hair in his beard... his father was Scandanavian and German! Mama native Islander, African & Portuguese. I miss you Marcus. I'm still here. But I miss you every goddamn day. 

Trauma Induced Unwanted Vivid Memories

I kept waiting for Marcus Lovemore to return to me. Last year he wasn't totally him. The pain was so severe, the body so damaged from dialysis. He was still him, those who saw him in person February-November 2017 know... he never came back. That's one of the hardest things for me...

The memories of him being sick. Weak. So exhausted. Worn out. Being so severely underweight... you know those videos or pictures of Marcus that you have a hard time looking at on Facebook? Well, I lived with that image in full live 3D color. And he's the person I loved most in the world. And now, those memories are the most potent. Not just because of timing- they're obviously the most recent, but because of the trauma. Trauma does strange things to the brain. Seers memories where they might otherwise fade. The final moments & days... Those are the memories that have been coming back for about 2 weeks now. I know why. I've cleared directed my consciousness to heal and be without limitation in consciousness and experience. But that means I have to actually deal with all of this stuff. That would be easier to avoid. So I'm here, crying for the 4th time today, in the 5th month of grieving, in love and still trying to figure out my fucking life, and heal from the trauma and... still wanting to be alive! Which is fucking fantastic because December... I was straddling the fence. 

Enough of a purge for now. I'm moving to the twin cities. Minneapolis/Saint Paul. Ask me in a personal conversation why, but I have family and support here while I grieve. Now if I could just find ways to bring in $$ commensurate with my experience and awesomeness. 

Picture: July 2014, I think... before shit hit the fan.

Badassery

I wonder if I turned into a songwriter (became a songwriter? How does that happen?) so I could have someplace to put my truest and deepest thoughts or observations or even just my playfulness with words, and when combined with music... it felt... useful. Purposeful. Or something. Journaling wasn't enough. And my brain was just constantly writing and coming up with stuff, melodies, lyrics, words and quotes and observations... songwriting gave all of that... meaning.

And now... 2017 was so fucking stressful!

For me. For so many people. For Marcus Lovemore my love who went through hell and now he's free and happy... and the wild thing is, he was happy, he found joy and gratitude in the throwing up 6 times a day every day for 6 months; not being able to eat, being severely underweight, severe pain, bed sores... still, he wanted to live. His will to live was unparalleled. He wanted to live. More than I did. For certain I know, that scary feeling in me started December 2016, and lasted in varying degrees until... well it's lifted. I actually can say, unequivocally, without hesitation, that I want to be HERE. 

And we are here, absolutely worse off that he is no longer here, and absolutely better off that he was... and shared his love, wisdom, compassion, humor, discernment, that sweet sparkle that was only Marcus with a thought percolating. 

My cup runneth over. I'm feeling and experiencing so much... It's intense! I laugh love and cry just about every day. I have clogged tear ducts! Babies get those. Adults don't get them! Well, I've never had them. I never wanna hear someone say I'm not crying nor grieving enough! This is how I do: when I feel the feeling that means tears, I cry. (This is inconvenient but I can usually delay it and excuse myself for 30-60 seconds, I'm not wearing a black veil people. I'd rock it but come on!) When I feel the feeling that means laugh, I laugh. It's like I'm taking a tour of my own life, observing, choosing yes, but also... riding the wave. Feeling and allowing the grief to expel? Maybe. Maybe that's it. I'm still observing and figuring out how to describe it. The music, fitness, meditation and dance stuff has been monumentally helpful. And connecting with loved ones. I need more of that please. I'm in Los Angeles. Please, let's play! 

And, my life's still in the process of being reorganized and rebalanced. We spent all our money trying to save Marcus's life. I'm looking for house or pet sitting in Los Angeles, preferably within 5-10miles of MDR since I've fallen in love... with sailing! My budgets meh until I get going on a project, so housesitting is best and I have a ton of relevant experience and wonderful references. Or, a room in someone's home. I need my own bedroom. I'd consider anywhere in LA if the people are awesome.

More music will be posted soon. Apologies for the hiatus. Been busy and I miss it so that's awesome. I'll post more within 48hrs. I'm on a job tomorrow, but can't talk about it. This picture is me on the sailboat entertaining my friend while he made lunch. Love sailing! ⛵️ 

Thanks so much for your likes, encouragement, shares, and all your badassery!! You! I'm talking to you reading this. Thank you! 🙏🏽😍

Big Fat Juicy Tears

Grief is so strange.

But I've never done this before. Lost a partner, spouse, never lost a love of this magnitude. And even knowing it's not lost, just very different and unexpected, though I'm so grateful, still... I've never gone through this...

He was my favorite person on the planet.

Tonight I was sitting outside meditating, and just... the grief just washed over me like a sudden wave breaking out of pattern. 

Tears. Missing Marcus Lovemore so much. His everything physical. Not the sickness but all the things that coalesced into the human body where he lived all these years. Once he started communicating with me telepathically or whatever you wanna call it, his body didn't feel like him anymore. His heart stopped within a day. 

More tears. Big fat juicy tears. 

He was right. 

It is all a gift.

Lately I've been able to clearly identify when and that I feel happy. Truly. Wow. That's amazing! Not due to external anything just... happy. Moments. Fleeting perhaps. But... contented happiness.

To have the trauma of seeing him in so much pain, the stress of all the hospitalizations and impending death... my greatest fear, really... him dying and to be able to feel... happy?

Wow.

😲 

It is all a gift.

There's a chance I've been studying and documenting all of this in various places, in part because I think it can be replicated but it's a long studied, somewhat complex combination of things that I've not seen coalesced, and Marcus is the one who really did it, I'm just... the legacy perhaps. I don't know yet. It's still unfolding. 

Anyone still reading? I (think I) need a manager or agent, for music & more!

I'm Lazy!

I get that this sounds nuts, but (perhaps) welcome to Katie Strand 2017-2018!

Sometimes it occurs to me that I workout so hard and eat healthy not for the reasons people assume or glean from seeing or talking with me but, because I'm lazy! (Or intolerant!)

Here's the breakdown:

I don't like nor want to do, nor want to spend time doing the following every single day:

*Put on makeup 

*Style my hair

*Wear spanx (some women wear multiple pairs for special, squeeze-worthy occasions like eh hem the Golden Globes-- hollywood stylists might be the biggest promoter of spanx)

*Have my body not function (digestion, sleep, mental, etc) due to toxicity or odd hormones or excess weight

*Be hung over

*Be dependent on side-effect laden prescriptions (I've seen this first hand)

*Get procedures or surgery to look.... xyz (younger healthier prettier etc.)

*Feel lethargic or slow due to overeating or digesting something heavy or hard to digest 

*Wonder what might fit clothing-wise

*Feel disconnected 

People think I'm disciplined... perhaps it seems that way, but I don't feel disciplined. The alternative is just simply too unpleasant, unthinkable even. How it feels in my body, and seems spiritually like flipping off God or something. 

Also, I want to be able to do all the things I want to do... dance, martial arts, volleyball, aerial acrobatics, yoga, SUP, perform on stage without feeling fatigue, whatever new physical thing I want to try, with minimal body restriction or limitation. 

The last asterisk... "don't want to feel disconnected"... when that happens for me, wow. Grief is a real motherfucker, but when my connection is diminished, holy shit watch out. About alcohol, I figured this out the first month after Marcus Lovemore passed --- that drinking anything more than 2-3 drinks total per week (or more than 1 per night) creates a noticeably less connected state within me. It lowers my vibration. I don't like it. In the vernacular we call alcohol a "depressant" and I suppose that's as good a description as any... but all the health stuff I do and continue to do, the earthsuit I wear looking how it looks (I like the way I look now but I liked how I looked before; I just prefer this, I asked for this/did the work but Marcus created the program! 😝) is just a side effect because vanity alone isn't motivation enough... it feels too superficial. 

Feeling so much gratitude for Marcus's profound effect on me and my life. 

Today's confession/dirt:

I find myself judging people who don't care for themselves and their physical/mental health... but not that they're bad, but it annoys me that they're not doing more for themselves when they have ALL their organs working!! Doesn't seem fair that they get to be here, alive, and Marcus isn't and he wanted to live more than anyone I've ever known! And would do anything, without attachment nor much discernible resistance, in service to his health and connection. 

When I'm really missing him like right now, I say aloud (in a whisper if in public)...

I love you

I love you

I love you

Always 3 times. Don't know why. It just feels right. 

One of my outfits Marcus adored. 2015, I think.

I'm Lazy!

I get that this sounds nuts, but (perhaps) welcome to Katie Strand 2017-2018!

Sometimes it occurs to me that I workout so hard and eat healthy not for the reasons people assume or glean from seeing or talking with me but, because I'm lazy! (Or intolerant!)

Here's the breakdown:

I don't like nor want to do, nor want to spend time doing the following every single day:

*Put on makeup 

*Style my hair

*Wear spanx (some women wear multiple pairs for special, squeeze-worthy occasions like eh hem the Golden Globes-- hollywood stylists might be the biggest promoter of spanx)

*Have my body not function (digestion, sleep, mental, etc) due to toxicity or odd hormones or excess weight

*Be hung over

*Be dependent on side-effect laden prescriptions (I've seen this first hand)

*Feel lethargic or slow due to overeating or digesting something heavy or hard to digest 

*Wonder what might fit clothing-wise

*Feel disconnected 

People think I'm disciplined... perhaps it seems that way, but I don't feel disciplined. The alternative is just simply too unpleasant, unthinkable even. Like flipping off God or something. 

Also, I want to be able to do all the things I want to do... dance, martial arts, volleyball, aerial acrobatics, yoga, whatever new physical thing I want to try, with minimal body restriction or limitation. 

The last asterisk... "don't want to feel disconnected"... I figured this out the first month after Marcus Lovemore passed --- that drinking anything more than 2-3 drinks (or more than 1 per night) total per week creates a less connected state within me. It lowers my vibration. I don't like it. In the vernacular we call alcohol a "depressant" and I suppose that's as good a description as any... but all the health stuff I do and continue to do, the earthsuit I wear looking how it looks (I like the way I look now but I liked how I looked before; I just prefer this, I asked for this/did the work but Marcus created the program! 😝) is just a side effect because vanity alone isn't motivation enough... it feels too superficial. 

Feeling so much gratitude for Marcus's profound effect on me and my life. 

Today's confession/dirt:

I find myself judging people who don't care for themselves and their physical/mental health... but not that they're bad, but it annoys me that they're not doing more for themselves when they have ALL their organs working!! Doesn't seem fair that they get to be here, alive, and Marcus isn't and he wanted to live more than anyone I've ever known! And would do anything, without attachment nor much discernible resistance, in service to his health and connection. 

When I'm really missing him like right now, I say aloud (in a whisper if in public)...

I love you

I love you

I love you

Always 3 times. Don't know why. It just feels right. 

One of my outfits Marcus adored. 2015, I think.

How Can I Love Today?

Yesterday, a dear friend expressed to me the profound effect Marcus Lovemore had on their life. Especially the video. You know the one. I've shared it a bunch. (Lovemore Life, Liberation Through Choice, Pain vs. Suffering; we screened it at the memorial.)

They also mentioned that they had never witnessed greater love between two people...

This morning I do an hour meditation, then start making tea, and my curious mind goes to work on this...

Then my psychic fingers reach for the ethereal realm as I dwell in my curiosity...

How did we do this?

How did Marcus do this?

I felt him.

From the past. 

Time indeed is becoming... less linear as I'm more connected.

I feel him now.

Smiling. Laughing. Nodding. Whispering... "you already know..."

Clarity.

It floods in like the last moments of a fissure in a damn...

Every day, most every moment, he would hold these questions in his heart: How can I love her today? What can I find to love about her today? What new discovery lays in this glorious creature? What thing that I already love can I expand upon and steep-in about her? I choose love.

He was choosing love. All the time. 

I see it now so clearly.

He taught me how. Showed me how. 

His body was in pain. Virtually the whole time we were together. Yet he was able to choose love. 

And it wasn't just about me. He did this with virtually everything. Finding something FOR him, something to facilitate his continued connection to source. Which is why LOVE is so powerful. It does that. Connects. To self. To source. 

I wear goofy outfits sometimes. He would delight in this. I make funny faces while I'm expressing myself. He would delight in this. I twist and stretch my toes when I'm laying and watching TV. He would delight in this. As a few inconsequential examples. 

That's why. It was challenging being with someone with a chronic condition. Kidney failure has a higher morbidity rate than cancer. Think on that. Certainly there were thousands of compromises... around travel, physical ability to do stuff together, sports,
work, art, dance, money, family... so many compromises. And yet... to be loved like that. 

Here's the dirt:
I would get annoyed with him because of how hard it was, even before 2017 (we had zero hospitalizations for our first 8 years together) ...that I felt I was shouldering a greater load. Work, money, housework, sorting all of it... but I couldn't lie to myself that the reactive mind's perception was real. The balance was spiritual. I saw him showing up, loving me, being present, staying engaged (not checking out). So rather than sit in annoyance, I'd meditate more. Talk things through with him. Exercise. Expand my mind. Learn. Kundalini. Play music. Hit the pad. Do Yoga. For my health and because I couldn't fool myself, my soul's been through too many rotations for that lie to stick. I did grow. I didn't stay annoyed. I was able to let go, and be with him. Bask in that love. 

To be loved. In an evolving, ever growing way. It's a profound thing. 

1-2 years before I met Marcus, I told a man who had rejected me countless times that "I want to grow in the way that I love..." he said no.

Marcus said yes. Bigger than I ever could have imagined. 

To witness someone actively choosing love, life, gratitude, joy, to learn by their example... what a profound gift. And to receive, and be open enough to receive... and to be able to love him and express that love so fully. Because I sort of leave a crater when I hit, he had to ground when I'd run and hug him. But to love to my fullest capacity, and to be loved to the fullest capacity. Wow. I'm the luckiest earthling. 

I was afraid Marcus's death would make me bitter. Angry. At God. At everything. At everyone.

Marcus laughs at that.

The Seeds of My Soul

I wish I could fully convey the strange contradiction I'm experiencing. Here's one example and attempt to illuminate...

Everything is insecure in my life. Almost everything. Don't know where I'm going to live. Don't know where/how I'm going to work and support myself. I have freelance work and seem to get work whenever without spending much time "searching," and I'm staying with a friend in a makeshift room in her den (friend is awesome, but it's temporary)... 

and... more than anything, I know I need to just BE as I'm grieving this first year. Not worrying about money or housing or work. But life is life. 

And how to do that after we spent virtually all of our money trying to save his life? And not having him by my side? My favorite person on the planet! My sounding board! My love, my friend, my confidant! How do I do this?

Since Marcus Lovemore transitioned, 90% or more of the worry, doubt, fear and judgment that took up real estate in my thinking & time, no longer occupy that space. The reason it's 90% and not 100... a little bit of that still happens. I'm still human. But the majority of the time, it just feels wrong. Dissonant. Tastes bitter. It doesn't seem like "choosing" other, it seems WRONG, like that just doesn't work anymore. 

Now when I hear Michael Beckwith speak, I'm crying, laughing, nodding my head, agreeing not for what I'm going for, but for what I'm EXPERIENCING. That's different. Witnessing Marcus all these years... this was the space he was in. It's as if my cells have been infused with the essence of him. I'm perhaps now... Katie Strand with a soupçon (pronounced sue-sahn, French for "a little bit") of Marcus!

...Or a giant dousing of Marcus!

I'd rather have him here physically, but healthy, whole, smiling, laughing, talking, hugging. 

A few times I made Marcus laugh so hard that he passed out. It's a kidney/blood pressure thing coupled with laughing hard, but if it happened in public without a place to sit down, I made him hug me while laughing to ensure he wouldn't pass out, fall and hurt himself. It became a running joke and edict: HUG when you laugh. 🤗

Now I hear him saying, "this is better cause we're connected all the time!" 

My heart wells, feeling strangely like my eyes welling with tears, "but I'm so lonely without you physically here..."

That's whats up for me right now. 

Anyone still reading, I do need a more stable place to live in Los Angeles. This year I am emerging and will emerge the Performer-Artist-Rockstar that the SEEDS of my soul pre-programmed and pre-ordained to be, connecting and inspiring, with Marcus smiling and cheering me on...

it almost seems silly to doubt. 

The purpose is actually more basic than performer, artist or rockstar, but the depth of it requires a deeper conversation, so have that with me if you're curious and open. 

Wherever I live will be steeped in meditation/prayer, music, love, health, connection, abundance and fun. It will be nice to have a stable place in LA; I'm open and connected. 

Notes:

I'm experienced at house and pet sitting. With references. I eat clean. Organic. Non-gmo. Mostly vegetarian but strategic & humanely raised and raw dairy. Marcus taught me so much, I'm physically in the best shape of my life, kind of ironically.

If I didn't have my physical health right now I probably wouldn't be here. This year... 2017. WTF?!? Well you all have some context on that.

I workout and meditate daily. I'm a great cook but Marcus and I used to cook together and I cooked for him a lot this year, so it's still a little sad and tender for me, but as the months progress, I'll likely be cooking more, and could help with health goals, meal planning, groceries and cooking if it supports my people and living environment. Marcus and I both had the track record of making whatever home we were living HEALTHIER in every way. This last year we didn't do that as well as all of our focus was on keeping us both as healthy as possible, and especially on saving his life. 

As far as geography for anyone outside the LA area... beauty, community, and music. It's imperative my location allows for music creating, collaborating and performing. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks to those who've offered to host me. I'll consider those invitations open until you rescind, but of course we'd need to iron out details. I'm kind of fun to be around, but still need to excuse myself to cry on a regular basis. I sing for my supper. FTHG*

GRIEF. It's not for quitters. 

Thanks for your support and love. Still need lots of hugs and time with friends. I'm in the process of joining a bereavement group, thanks for the encouragement on that Kathleen McCartin. ❤️

LOVE & GRATITUDE TO YOU ALL!:

Jason Schuyler

Lisa Durow Cruz

Camilla Dhanak

Andrew Goldstein

Lury Norris

Lauren Kornberg

Mams Taylor

Mo Ramchandani

Lisa Jennings

Diana Flotten

Monick Paul Halm

Grenda David

Jessica Chiles

Gregory Porter

Dror Amir

Andy Blessing

Peter Ciriello

Augie Alexander

Emily Jackson

Mary Alice Jouppi

Vickie Winston

Linda S. Montgomery

Allan Palmer

Dylan Nelson

Dan Sturman

*FTHG = For The Highest Good