Fear is Not a Reason

This morning, as I was going about my routine, my mind wandered to an upcoming interview Marcus and I will be doing about our Colorado project.

The interviewer will ask me:

Do you feel afraid about what you are doing?

Yes. I feel afraid.

Fear, in my experience, is less mind-altering and daunting if I merely admit I feel it the moment I become aware that I'm feeling it.

Marcus and I are embarking on something that is not only unique, but also could be called brave and/or foolish!

Does anyone out there not know what we're doing? Go to chiworldwide.org after reading this blog for a glimpse into it.

I do think if we had more money at our disposal, it might be less daunting, and would probably quell the warnings issued by our friends and family.  But we are working within the budget we have and trying to have enough money left over to live on (because we are not yet generating the income we would need to do everything...), take care of his mother, and have a chunk of money for Marcus's healing intensive (a planned 2-month intensive that will cost at least $20,000 in equipment, supplements, and treatments, and we hope will wake up and heal his kidneys).

But until we have more capital at our disposal, we are moving forward with the money we currently have access to.

Here's one of the things that boggles my mind. Money is made up. It only has power and works as a currency because we all agree on it's value (a value which is currently in decline). I read the book Alive as a teenager and remember the plane crash survivors using cash as fuel for fire. Cash was absolutely useless as currency to the people trying to survive in the Alps, so they used it as fuel because it burned well. Currency only has value because we've given it meaning and agreed upon it's value.

Marcus and I are doing something that the vast majority of our peers are not doing. As humans who evolved as tribal and communal bipedal mammals, whenever we go against the majority, it's noticeable to say the least.

But my fear isn't just that we're going against the grain. My fear is about failing or going broke because we're embarking on an adventure that has so many unknown variables and I am someone who thrives on logistics and information and planning.

So I do my practices. Breathe. Meditate. Yoga. Tibetan Five. Run... for exercise. Talk to Marcus. Write. Break down, cry and throw a fit. (Not a deliberate part of my practices, but an element nonetheless.) I do one thing at a time. Then I rinse, and repeat.

I feel the fear. Breathe into it. Let it permeate and circulate.

I get inside and analyze it. 

I realize fear is confusing.

I write about it. 

I share about it.

The confusion of fear is this; my answer to the question above is this:

Yes, I feel fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of being penniless and starving and destitute.

But fear is confusing.

Fear can be an important indicator of danger or of something that threatens life, loved ones, health or well being.

But fear can also be felt when embarking on a new adventure, a new way of being, a new project, a new...anything!

Fear can be good. Really good. A sign of growth, or potential growth.

Fear alone is not a valid reason to NOT do something. Fear for me now that I've practiced feeling it, analyzing it, and allowing it to permeate and circulate, is a reason to pay attention. Fear is a reason to become more aware.


 In fact, it usually means what I'm doing is really important and worth doing.

Again, fear is not a reason to NOT do something.



What do you fear?


What are you afraid of?


What is most important to you?


What do you dream of doing - if you weren't afraid and if money wasn't an issue?


Who are you because of fear?


Who would you be without it?

No Breath, No Life

Over the years I've done varying forms of yoga. Kundalini is one of my favorites because it keeps the breath intrinsically tied to any movement, whereas other yogas are often taught without including the breath. I think all yoga started with the breath being the most important aspect, and the movements and exercise being secondary in importance, but it seems modern generation loss, teachers and agendas have changed that.

Kundalini also brings energy, healing and spiritual elements and transformation into the practice. After most sessions, whether at home or in a class, I felt a tingling at my crown chakra and had a lightness to my body and being. Many would call this experience a mini kundalini awakening. I don't know for sure what it was, but I will admit, I liked it.

I've enjoyed branching out, trying various yogas and even The Tibetan Five aka the Fountain of Youth, one of my favorite practices, period, but also one of my favorites for a busy lifestyle. You can do anywhere from 3 to 21 reps, and they take less than 15 minutes.

I have also done Bikram (hot) yoga and Iyengar (healing) yoga. 

Both good. I caution people with Bikram because I've known of many people getting hurt doing Bikram, as the temperature can get so hot in the room, it can prevent you from feeling when you're overdoing something. Marcus calls it the fast-food yoga because it's spread throughout the country, it's commercialized, and it's the same exact series of movements at every studio, regardless of the teacher or location. (Think about the appeal of fast food - you get the same thing, the same menu, the same taste, whether you eat it in Tucson or Syracuse - but it also can make you severely unhealthy and if you leave a fast food hamburger out, it doesn't decompose. If nature doesn't want to eat it, why would you?)

Bikram (from http://www.bikramyoga.com/BikramYoga/yoga_glossery.php)
Bikram Yoga: A rigorous form of Yoga performed in a room heated to at least 95 degrees. Each posture in the sequence is designed to safely stretch and open the body, in preparation for the next posture.

Iyengar I recommend for anyone because the teachers are trained to be very precise and careful with the movements and postures in the interest of proper alignment and healing. Less chance of getting hurt, higher chance of coming back because no matter what level you are, you'll have props and accoutrements to help you exactly as you are. 

Iyengar (from http://www.iyengar-yoga.com/iyengaryoga/)
Mr Iyengar has systematised over 200 classical yoga Asanas and 14 different types of Pranayamas (with variations of many of them) from the simple to the incredibly difficult. These have been structured and categorised so as to allow a beginner to progress surely and safely from basic postures to the most advanced as they gain flexibility, strength and sensitivity in mind, body and spirit.

I taught yoga for a while during college and just afterwards. I loved teaching mostly because I liked helping people - hearing how they've grown or improved or gotten healthier. It made me realize that maybe it's not about teaching for me, but more about inspiring myself and others in their own lives to grow, change, learn, be more present or loving or compassionate or healthy now than they were a moment ago. 

So... I got a master's degree in Spiritual Psychology. Then I got certified as a Hypnotherapist.  Mostly because I felt compelled to learn about and grow within myself and to help others. But also because I was searching for what I was meant to do.

For many, many years, most of my life or for as long as I can remember (whichever is longer), I wanted to be a singer, a songwriter, and a professional musician.

But in the last few years I realized the following.

Who am I to know exactly what my life is supposed to look like?

How do I know exactly how it's supposed to go?

The reason those two questions come up and repeat is simple. Whenever I've conjured an idea about how something is supposed to go - it often  goes differently and almost always better than I could've imagined. Marcus is like that. He's better than I could've imagined for myself. I had some ideas - I wanted someone who I could say anything to, and I wanted someone as invested in their own mental, spiritual and physical health as I am...  I used to say it'd be nice to find someone who I'm compatible with mind, body and soul.

But back to my purpose...

When I check in with myself, in meditation or moments of tapping into some ethereal, other force/source/entity, the message I get back is, think bigger.

My ego/reactive mind says, how could it get any bigger than being a professional, successful singer/musician/songwriter/rock star?

But I know enough to breathe and listen to that calm, unattached, jovial voice telling me to think bigger.

Maybe my purpose is to inspire myself and others. 

Maybe it's not specifically about music or singing, but about something closer to breath, presence, inspiration, teaching and growing.

So I was looking around, because I often get an itch to learn and explore more and remembered laughing yoga. I found this website and might get certified in yet another thing. Laughing Yoga. Teacher. Inspire-er.

Their website has this statement that I thought was worth sharing.

What shifted in you as you grew? 

What childhood ideas about who you are or what you should do have changed?

Do you laugh every day?

Do you think about your breath every day?

Source: http://www.universalyoga.org/index.html

YOGA OF BREATH

BREATH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. NO BREATH, NO LIFE. WE MUST WORK CONSTANTLY TO MAKE OUR BREATH VERY STRONG THROUGH DEEP BREATHING EXERCISES, RETENTION OF BREATH, AND CONCENTRATION & FOCUSING ON KEEP IN THE NASAL PASSAGES CLEAN AT ALL TIMES. THE STRONGER YOUR BREATH BECOMES, THE STRONGER YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IS AND THERE IS LESS OF A CHANCE OF BECOMING SICK OR DISEASED. THROUGH PROPER YOGA ASANAS & BREATHING YOU CAN BECOME HEALTHY, HAPPY AND RELAXED. YOU NEED THE RIGHT TEACHER WHO CAN TEACH YOU THE POWER OF THE BREATH. THAT IS WHAT YOGA IS. SHOP AROUND. YOGA IS NOT STRETCHING, STRESSING & DANCE MOVES. YOGA IS CLEANSING THE BODY, BREATH, AND MIND OF NEGATIVE ENERGY SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON TRUTH & CONSCIOUSNESS. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. ONE MUST DO SAHDNA & LEARN TO MEDITATE.

Easy To Judge

Recently I tried to watch a movie about Afghanistan, a fictional movie called Osama. I stopped within 15 minutes of the start – it just wasn’t a style of filmmaking I like, as it was a bit frenetic and the storytelling was all over the place. But the subject matter is something that interests and devastates me alike. The subject matter was about women in Afghanistan and how poorly they’re treated and regarded in society. Women aren't allowed to work. Without a husband, brother, father or grandfather to work for the family, starvation and poverty are rampant, especially among the numerous families who have lost the men in their lives because of war.

No one can downplay the hardship on the women of Afghanistan and any country where women are veiled, burqa-ed, abused, circumsized, stoned, arrested and jailed for doing things that are considered basic human rights in other places (gathering, walking around, asking questions and speaking out against their oppression), and prevented from working, driving, and otherwise participating as a normal human and citizen of their country.

According to now.org

On Sept. 26, 1996, women were 70% of the school teachers, 40% of the doctors, 50% of government workers and 50% of the university students — what a difference a day makes! Today, a woman must be accompanied by a male relative in order to leave the confines of her home. When a women is outside the home she is compelled to wear a head to toe covering called a "burqa," with only a small mesh opening over the eyes to facilitate a limited view of the outside world. It is important to note that the peripheral vision of Afghan women wearing burqas is so restrictive that many have been injured due to poor visibility.
Women have been beaten for showing a bit of ankle or having noisy shoes. Women are not allowed to speak in public and any female from puberty until death may only speak to men who are relatives. Homes in which women reside must have all the windows painted over to obscure view.

Beaten for having noisy shoes.

Not allowed to speak in public and not allowed to speak to a male other than male relatives.

Seriously?

There's more. 

Health care is virtually nonexistent for women, and journalists report that the girls living in the Kabul orphanage have not been let outside since the edict was issued. Tens of thousands of families are starving. In the city of Kabul alone there are 40,000 widows who can no longer work to support themselves and their families. Some widows are fortunate enough to have male children who can beg for the family. Others sit in dark houses praying for humanitarian aid which can only be delivered to them by a male intermediary. Many are eating grass, suffering from skin diseases due to the lack of sunlight and dying due to starvation and untreated illness.

It seems we, as humans, have outdone ourselves. I haven't heard of any creature in the animal kingdom with such strict and, let's be honest, ridiculous and enforced rules regarding gender.

But...

It’s easy to judge these countries as horrific examples of how to treat half their citizens.

But it wasn’t all that long ago that our country did horrible things to women trying to work.

I caught part of the movie North Country recently.

The way the female miners were treated by many of their male coworkers was absolutely disgusting and despicable.

I acknowledge that we are more progressive in many ways on gender equality than other countries, but women reportedly still get paid less for the same job as men. Our country still won’t allow gay people to get legally married (save a few states - thank you Conneticuit, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Washington, Vermont and D.C.). How is that anything other than discrimination?

It was made legal to marry interracially in 1968. That’s only forty-five years ago! That's a short enough time ago that a large number of people alive today remember when it happened.

It’s easy to judge, but step back, put on a wider lens, then do something. Whatever you feel compelled to do.

Years ago I was involved with an organization that supports women’s rights locally and internationally. Over three years (in college, no less), we raised over $30,000 for women’s shelters and charities.

I think it’s time for me to get involved again. I’m not sure how, but I’ll write about it when I do.

Step back.

Put on a wider lens.

Life Is Not An Event

It occurred to me while showering today that we often look for big events in life. A wedding, a birth, a graduation, a death, a proposal.

I suppose these things are markers in our life - checkpoints that we frame our life around...

But as I'm growing up, I'm becoming more and more aware of how many youthful ideals, driven by culture and media, are either flawed or total bullshit!

The notion that life is all about these landmark events can take us completely out of the moment because we're too busy focusing on getting a proposal, a wedding, a graduation, or proper Valentine's day.

Life is not an event.

If anything life is made up of moments, often unplanned and on some regular, ordinary Tuesday.

Enjoying whatever is happening right now, right where you're at, is the beginning to debunking the big event life focus.

Breathing, right now, and really focusing on the inhale as it flows into the exhale (and repeat) also works to debunk the importance of someone wishing or not wishing you a happy birthday.

I don't know if I'm communicating this in a coherent way...

In my life, looking for those events that I've been told are the highlights, the important things has acted against me being happy, calm, peaceful and joyful in the moment - as I'm looking forward or backward at any note-worthy event.

Healing too is not an event. We look for shifts, we look for changes, but really, healing is not an event, it's a process that goes on for a very long time. Releasing weight is not an event. It takes time to change a body's homeostasis.

Even love is not an event. Sure, I remember how Marcus and I met and I remember the first time he told me he loved me. But our relationship is as rich as it is because of all the moments we share together - most of them away from a big life event - that compile to create a partnership that is worth both of us sticking with each other. If it were just about the meeting, anniversary and romantic holidays, one or both of us probably would've bailed a long time ago. But when you find joy and fun within the random moments of each day and week, that is a love and partnership worth sticking around for.

Addicted to Honesty

Have you ever noticed that the word pathological is often tied to liar.

My theory is that telling lies is addicting or habitual - not only because an object (or habit - in my theory) in motion tends to stay in motion, but also because once you start the lying ball rolling, more lies are often necessary to support the first, original lie.

But I also think the opposite is true. I think honesty is habit-forming or addictive.

Four years ago, when Marcus and I first started hanging out and talking, I remember him encouraging me to say it, to tell him the thing I was obviously censoring.

Prior to dating Marcus, I had a tendency to offend or hurt the feelings of the men I was dating. Being a somewhat sensitive and compassionate person, I made efforts to censor myself so I wasn't hurting people I cared about.

The obvious problem in censoring oneself is that it leads to withholding and a dampening of one's true self and true expression.

Random, potentially offensive (and potentially funny) spontaneous jokes would just circulate in my mind, never seeing the light of day or the potential laughter of others.

Revelatory, but potentially jealous-inducing comments about people would stay sealed behind my lips - for fear it would create not only jealousy in a fella, but also insecurity and snowball into a fight over how I interact with people of both genders.

The truth is, censoring and withholding (and probably lying - not something I make a habit of so I can't speak from personal experience) is actually exhausting.

Really, Marcus has given me an amazing gift in encouraging honesty in me and our relationship.

I was looking for it, for him. For years I'd been saying, "I just want someone who I can say anything to..."

Well, I've found it.

And I've found that honesty is addictive.

Sometimes I over-share. Apologies if you've been at the hearing-end of this. But I'd rather over-share than go back to the self-censoring and withholding.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone and being able to say anything without the weight or fear of offending or creating a conflict or fight or hurt feelings. I wish I could convey how liberating it is... What more could anyone ask for than to be embraced and accepted exactly as they are?
Hi, my name is Katie and I'm addicted to honesty.

Learning to Breathe

It's alarming that I've been breathing for over 30 years and just recently realized that I might not be breathing in the most effective or efficient way.

Kind of ironic as I've often been told by people - intending to compliment - that I'm effective, efficient and, one of my favorites - a very competent person!

Oh, how you make a girl blush!

But somewhere between using different breathing techniques for yoga, Pilates, meditation, exercise, and singing, I started doing this odd thing with my breath, especially during my morning tibetan five series.

I breathe in, then hold the breath in before exhaling.

Marcus has pointed out to me that I also do this when focusing on something, and for some reason when I'm doing my nightly bedtime routine.

This is a breathing technique in and of itself when intending to do so, but is not the ideal way to breathe during the tibetan five exercises or in everyday life. (Click on any of these links to KSW blog on Tibetan Five (TF) aka The Fountain of Youth for a reminder on these exercises.)

The ideal breathing for the TF, life and meditation is like waves in the ocean - flowing in and out with the movements without holding or pausing... so much so that you cannot discern exactly where the exhale stops and the inhale begins and vice versa.

Hmm. That is not exactly the way I've been doing it for the last 15 years!

Funny thing is, I've just passed the mid-point of my kindness fast, and honestly, I don't think I would've thought to ask for feedback to adjust my breathing were I not intentionally choosing kindness on a regular basis. Marcus helped me, of course, but when I'm in my not-so-kind-funks of the past, I might not have been open enough to even ask.

We're lucky as humans that we actually get to choose how we breathe. I've casually studied some on the evolution of humans and how we became less animal, more mentally and technologically advanced, and one of the recent theories I've come across is related to our ability to run. (See another KSW blog on the book Born To Run.) If memory serves, our ability to run long distances allowed us to track and run down animals, increase our protein and fat intake, which encouraged our brain to develop into the large, multi-processing centers that they are (relative to our body size and other mammals). But here's the intriguing part. Our ability to run long distances is unique because most animals have a diaphragm that is attached to their hind legs and therefore in sync with their gate. This connection between the diaphragm and hind legs makes animal running capacity finite - and it explains why certain animals can outrun us for short distances (cheetahs are a classic example), but we surpass them in long-distance running.

So our evolution - the things that make us unique, and unfortunately - sometimes horrifyingly human (in the case of murder, war, serial killing, treating the earth like it's our bitch to do what we please with) is our BREATH.

I wonder if it was an intentional, evolutionary design or a design flaw somewhere along the way when a cro-magnon mated with a neanderthal and poof!, we got a diaphragm that detached from our hind legs.

I'm not an evolutionary biologist, but I'm thinking my new ocean-wave inspired breathing technique is making me more human every day.

So...

How are you breathing?

Do you hold your breath when focusing, moving, or whatever because of tension or distraction?

Is your breathing like waves in the ocean - flowing in and out without stopping or pausing?

Be like the ocean, my friend. 

(Anyone who comments below with the name of the famous person from whom I ripped that final line/quote off and added my own twist, gets a signed copy of our book What Women Never Tell You, release date TBD 2013!)