Home

Last night, Christmas Eve, someone said to me, "it must be so good to come home..." and I just stared at her blankly. Hours later, in the wee small hours, I realized for me...

Home.

Home was with him. Home was where he was. Where we were together. That was home these last years. Home. 

Just writing that brings massive amounts of tears. Face streaked wet with salt water. 

Home has been, when together with him, HOME HAS BEEN US, for years now. He was my family. My home. 

I have more family, friends who are family-like, other dwellings that are familiar, home-like, but not the same way we were partnered...

We were home to each other.

I'm grateful home got to hold his body's hand as he transitioned. 

I'm sure this will shift and evolve as time does and I do, but it's such an unsettling feeling. No home. Literally and figuratively.

It's All A Gift

We played this video at the memorial. 

I've shared it on Facebook. 

But, it's worth sharing...

over and over. 

Especially at Christmastime when everything is, for many people, amplified. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah & Wishing Joy & Love to all of you, from Marcus Lovemore and Katie Strand. 

Later maybe I'll do a video of a song (share my gift some more), but Marcus is my gift now in so many previously unfathomable ways. 

It's ALL a gift.

https://youtu.be/Q_JqPqDjElA

Something Is Missing

It feels like something is missing...

All the time. 

It's eerie. 

Weird. 

Those around me can testify, I'm losing things, spilling, misplacing, absent minded. Unusual for me. 

It doesn't bother me much, but it always feels like something's missing so my radar is off to that intuitive message. 

Then I realize. It's him. He is what's missing. 

I still feel and hear him when I reach out. That's not gone for anyone wondering. 

But the black hole in my heart and soul left by his absence is...

No words. 

Vast?

Deep?

Unknown?

Becoming familiar?

Filled?

Not filled, but made less obvious, by my time with loved ones. Experiences. Sharing. Authenticity. 

Suddenly...

The missing thing feels huge. Insurmountable. Obvious. And I'm back in that black hole. 

I'll be dancing. 

Laughing. 

Singing.

Playing guitar.

Exercising. 

Smiling. 

Having a good time. 

Then it hits me. I perceive the black hole in its depth and entirety. I fall in. 

Sometimes it lasts a few seconds. Sometimes minutes. Hours? Not that I can recall, but I typically lose time in the black hole. 

Then I emerge and I probably seem fine. And I probably am. I've forgotten again what exactly is missing. 

Until the next cosmic event.

Lovemore Said That It Is All a Gift

Cried sobbing breakdowns in two different alleyways last night. 

That's a first. Alleyway breakdown. Take me to the Alley...

Danced my ass off too. That was fantastic. Thanks Clare & Seth. 🤗 Being out at a karaoke bar and dance club required improvisation for said breakdowns. 

For years we had been modifying, honing, taking respite, adjusting protocol, researching, tweaking, keeping records. I told Marcus Lovemore I wanted to be in the best shape of my life. It took us almost nine years, but I'm just about here. It's... marvelous. I realized very recently that as an artist, my default tool is myself... my mind, my voice, my hands (guitar piano) my body, and why I kept seeking this muscular healthy state wasn't vanity (that was confusing because I assumed it was at least partially vanity), my life as fodder, and my first instrument is me. Sounds strange. Anyone get what I mean? 

But because I want to be able to create with my instrument in the most limitless way possible.... The way of no way! 😂 shout out Bruce Lee! ...my instrument has to be highly honed, tuned, exercised, oiled, massaged and protected... or the tone won't be as rich. 

Flying to Minnesota today. Come out & play if you're in Minneapolis. I'll be in Duluth Dec 19-? Prob dec 30. 

Thanks for being there so that I may share this surprising and transformational experience. 

Reuben Langdon

Derron Ross

Jeff Croteau

Tennyson Ewing Stead

Jeff Perkowitz

Kate Helen Goodman Eiynck

Karyn Smith-Forge

Nadia Tene

Gregory Porter

Piper Monique Dellums

Carl Hansen

Paz Fernandez

P.S. Anyone worried for my safety. I've got angels showing up everywhere and my sensitivity for people's energy is off the charts, higher than ever before in my life so... last night it was a security guard named "Haven" no kidding. Remind me to share the security guard story about Marcus another time. 

I've got this people. I need lots and lots of support and love and compassion and help but I'm "in the flow."  Cry, breathe, laugh, dance, eat, work, breathE, sing, play, sleep... 

New song new lyric: 

Lovemore said that it is all a gift

Connect to me I've got your assist 

I don't want to do this solo

Baby worry not you're in the flow

"Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature." - Michael Faraday

How To Make Widowing Suck A Little Less

My heart feels like it's breaking... all the time. 

And then another moment I'm powerful, beautiful, alive, free. 

Then another, chest aching heartache, hyperventilating crying, rocking myself to some semblance of strings-held together comfort, grasping my own shirt, my own hair, anything to ground to, to grasp, to hold onto. 

This widowing is such a fucking mixed and surprising bag. Whatever i may be, some mad scientist artist renaissance bohemian, this process is so very curious... to me. I'm observing myself go through it, knowing some of my psych colleagues would identify that as disassociation, to which I reply, "no, I'm Viktor Frankeling being a widow." Only, my task is considerably smaller than Mr. Frankels was. So I observe and document by sharing with whomever will read. I can't find my current journal. Whoops. It'll turn up. Songs are happening. And sometimes, I write here and there's something cathartic in sharing. So I share. 

I feel so much now. Like fog has lifted, and I can't go back. It's extraordinary. Intense. Overwhelming. Serene. Powerful. Mysterious. 

Thanks for all your dedications, time, hugs, phone calls, concerts, lunches, outings dinners, thoughts, prayers, vibes...  everything! Today I went to Griffith Observatory! It was so lovely, thank you Taja Magon!

Derron Ross

Erin Brown

Carl Hansen

Andrew Goldstein

Piper Monique Dellums

Allan Palmer

Jeff Perkowitz

Kate Helen Goodman Eiynck

Gregory Porter

Jessica Chiles

Jason Schuyler

Paz Fernandez

Dave Shirazi

Eric Malmberg

Diana Flotten

Andy Flotten

Kay Strand

Linda S. Montgomery

Mary Alice Jouppi

Robert Prentice

Rollercoaster! Just typing all your names reminded me how loved I am... and how grateful I am for all of you. Thank you so much. Thank you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 there are so many more people I want to name, David Couper, I love you! It's just incredible.

Ok I can't see no more. Pouring tears. Heartbreak tears are now gratitude tears. And love. It's so weird. That line Patrick Swazee says at the very end of Ghost, it's actually true. Something like "the love you feel... it's incredible." I think I'm dipping a toe in that. Maybe. 

P.S. Be careful about watching season 3 of Jane The Virgin. SPOILER ALERT ... ... 

....

it's lousy with widow stuff and themes that'll likely bring on the waterworks is theres anyone out there in that space. I might've postponed watching but... I'm along for the ride tonight.  She's no longer Jane the Virgin, she's Jane the Widow! Argh! Cheesy TV shows that are helping me cry! 😝

Lovemore Life - Liberation Through Choice - Pain vs Suffering

https://youtu.be/Q_JqPqDjElA

I love you Marcus Lovemore.

"Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature." - Michael Faraday