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Monday, March 22, 2010

If you were John Mayer, you would too

It's almost undisputed that John Mayer gets around.

Certainly if he were a female, he would be a ho, but since he's a guy, he just has a "bad reputation." The double-standard still exists, unfortunately. So I'm just going to call him a douche-ho, since he seems to be some combination of douche-bag and man-whore.

But here's the thing.

If you were John Mayer, wouldn't you too?

Think about it. Pretend you're John Mayer. You look kinda goofy. You're a little bit of a music-geek. You have a tendency to run your mouth (and probably over-think). And for a good portion of your teenage years and early twenties, you were probably broke. Even though chics supposedly love musicians, they don't always love music-students or starving-artist-musicians. So John Mayer probably got some pre-fame tail. But no tail he had pre-fame would carry the bragging rights of the post-fame tail. Brad Pitt, Charlie Sheen, and Sean Penn are the only modern male celebs I can think of that outdo Mr. Mayer in bragging rights.

Brad Pitt is simply gorgeous. I swear every straight man who, when cornered by me at a party and forced to consider who they'd switch for, most often say Brad Pitt (second place goes to Marlon Brando). His roster is pretty impressive with Gwenlyth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston, and of course, Angelina Jolie as all serious relationships (it's nice that he has relationships, not so nice that they all have an expiration date). Charlie Sheen just likes to screw anything that's pretty and busty, but he has had his fair share of beauties including Kelly Preston and Denise Richards. Sean Penn must be a stud to have convinced both Madonna and Robin Wright to marry him. Seriously. And it's worth mentioning that Warren Beatty and Wilt Chamberlain were undoubtedly the previous record-holders, just by their sheer numbers. Check this out. Warren Beatty supposedly bedded almost 13,000 women, according to the Guardian UK. Wilt Chamberlain made even Beatty look like an amateur, with over 20,000 notches on his bedpost, according to a Time article.

But back to John Mayer. According to celebbuzz.com and whosdatedwho.com, John Mayer's notch-names include:
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Jessica Simpson
  • Cameraon Diaz
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Rhona Mitra
  • Scheana Marie
  • Minka Kelly
  • there must be more that have somehow been kept secret...(If you want some pictures, click on whosdatedwho above.)
Besides the fact that this dude has been getting around in a serious way (keep in mind this is early in his fornication-career, he has many years to catch up with Beatty and Chamberlain though he appears to be behind), he also seems to like his girls light-skinned. Now generally I'm not one to criticize dating preferences, in fact I often celebrate them - for example, I have a friend who likes his women zaftig or extra-voluptuous and it just delights me, but with Mayer... I don't know. I just feel like he's lacking a certain amount of melanin in his celeb-dating varieties.

As much as I'm reluctant to admit this (that's only half-true since I sort of like confessing things sometimes), I used to like John Mayer's music. It's kind of good sometimes. He's a a decent guitarist too and I probably found him kind of appealing (I'm sure the list of women above would agree - at least initially). As a musician, however, any attraction I feel towards other musicians has always been short-lived. It never lasts and I see through and have a very low tolerance for their bullsh!t. They have a bad reputation for a reason. With that said, I've also played with and known some talented and reliable musicians too, but they are diamonds among cubic zirconias to say the least, and like magnets, I'm usually not-so-attracted to my male musician counterparts.

But after a little while, even without ever meeting Mr. Mayer, I got a bad-taste in my mouth about him. This is what I think happened. The negative overwhelmed the positive. I've been known to say the following: Stupid trumps hot. Or, more appropriately in this instance: Douche trumps musician. Other options: Asshole trumps rich; Rude trumps handsome; or for my guys out there, Crazy trumps hot (though according to my guy friends, usually only if you plan on spending more than one night with said crazy chic). Get it? The bad, ultimately, outweighs the good.

Speaking of spending just one night with someone, an old friend of mine used to say, "I've never had a one-night stand... but I've had a lot of eight-hour relationships." I always found that funny.

One last quote from douche-bag of the day before I sign off. I heard through the grape-vine that when Mayer and his music-business posse made Daughter a single off whatever album that was (making a song from an album a single is basically lining it up to be promoted the hardest for licensing, radio stations and awards), Mayer supposedly said, "If we push this song man, I'm going to have a vagina on my forehead for the rest of my life."

Ultimately, I suspect John Mayer isn't necessarily a bad guy, and who can blame him for chasing all that hot, primped, celebrity tail? Think about it, if you were John Mayer, you would too.


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