I've been thinking lately about aggression, versus assertiveness, versus intensity.
Sometimes it's hard to discern the difference when someone is coming at you with decidedly intense energy. Are they being aggressive, assertive or intense? What's the difference? Well, from what I understand, aggressive has hostile intent, assertive can merely be someone sticking up for themselves without intent to be hurtful or harmful, and intense is purely that person's passion coming out in their interaction. That's my interpretation of the difference, though really, that's just semantics. If someone is being a threatening asshole, they can call themselves any of the above, but an asshole is an asshole, no matter how you color him or her. (Even though the term "asshole" is reserved for men usually, I like to use it ubiquitously for men and women - no discrimination. Just like men can be bitches or bitchy too - it all depends on the tone of their outburst/behavior.)
But anyway. This thinking of late brought me to a much-needed realization. You see I used to be more uncomfortable with intense, assertive or aggressive energy. This may be surprising to some of you who know me as a kick-ass kind of chic. (Or as my friend Koko says, "bad-ass.") I may have some fearless and bad-ass qualities, but in the past I still felt uncomfortable with aggressive people, especially aggressive men. I suppose my size and relative strength has helped me mask my inner feelings of fear and/or trepidation, and ultimately, I have usually had good boundaries for myself with people and have never found myself in an abusive (verbally or physically) relationship. I can also thank my parents and especially my father for that, as he illustrated for me a manly, tough-guy (he was a football coach, after all!) who is also affectionate, expressive of his love for his wife and children (and students and players), but was unflappable when it came to people being aggressive or posturing to him. Thanks, Dad.
But anyway. This all got me to wondering. What changed for me and what
really is the difference between the different forms of intense energy people convey to each other?
Well, I think studying martial arts has helped me not feel intimidated by aggressive energy. Whew! Thanks, Marcus (and
Transformational Fighting Arts). Though if I weren't taking classes from Marcus and subsequently dating him, I would've landed on another martial art as it was something I was
really looking for.
More than that, however, I realized something about the
way that people are intense. This is it:
The tell-tale for me is intent. But intent is often hard to find when we're stuck smack-dab in the middle of being triggered by someone or something so...here's how I've found to gauge intent.
When the intense person is met with intensity back at them, that's where their true colors show.
When met with equal or greater intensity, this is what happens:
The assholes get even more intense or even abusive. These are the people to diffuse as soon as possible unless you are a seriously advanced negotiator, martial artist or fighter.
The posers cower like a sheep in wolf's clothing, tucking their tail between their legs and whimpering.
The gurus celebrate a person finding their voice, speaking their truth and standing up for themselves.
You see, I saw this with Marcus and my Mother. Just over a year ago, my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer or as Marcus likes to call it, a booby-lump. One of the things he picked up on in her was her fear of confrontation. This created in her a heightened state of anxiety about her interactions with people, especially intense (or aggressive or assertive) people. In walks Marcus. Now Marcus' maternal family argues as sport. They're from Jamaica and they make Italians look docile. No hard feelings, they just express themselves and usually loudly. But Marcus really is a big 'ol lovey puppy-bear. He likes to say he has a
soft, creamy filling. The full statement is,
I may have a hard exterior, but I have a soft, creamy filling.
Initially, my Mom was unsure of his intensity, but as he worked with her - on nutrition, spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological stuff - she found her voice. She even yelled at him about something she felt extremely passionate about.
I was watching all of this happen and I can be
very protective of my loved ones, so I continually checked in with my higher-self to ensure this was unfolding in a harmonious and "for-the-highest-good" way. (The answer was always yes.) Anyway, when my Mom raised her voice and cursed at Marcus, he said,
Right on, Kay! Way to go! That's what I want to hear!
He celebrated. Celebrated my Mom finding her voice, cursing (she rarely used the f-word at that time so throwing down an f-bomb is a big deal for her), and speaking her truth.
So, to wrap all this up. If the person you're getting into a heated discussion with seems to celebrate you expressing your own truth and intensity, that's probably someone you want to keep around. Or at the very least, learn as much as you can from.
But if you need a quick little reminder, remember this simple formula and question:
When met with intensity back, is this person behaving like an
asshole, poser or guru?
-Gandhi
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