Two weeks ago today, my dear friend got married to a man worthy of her love and partnership. I'm so happy for the both of them.
On a stroke of genius, the bride and another one of our girlfriends had the idea that all of her girlfriends get together and share what marriage is all about. Sadly, I was out of town for the event, but I contributed this letter and thought I'd share it with all of you out in the world.
This is dedicated to you, my friend, and all of my girlfriends, and the men who love, deserve and know how to handle us.
(There was a time I would've scoffed at the idea that I needed to be "handled." As I've grown, I've come to realize that every good woman needs to be handled every now and again...just like our men need to be taught.)
For years I’ve been conducting a very un-scientific and half-assed survey on what it takes to have a successful marriage. Looking back I realize those I’ve interviewed all qualify under the following parameters: Married for over 40 years to a spouse with whom they raised children and still have contact and a respectful relationship with said children. Also, they still seem to like and enjoy each other. You notice I said like not love. Without exception, all my interviewees would say they still love each other, but the fact that they still like each other actually seemed more important than love. None of them seemed as in love (the pretty or not-so-pretty side of this type of love) as anyone depicted in movies or tabloids, but they did seem in like. They like who their spouse is as a person, their personality, sense of humor, demeanor, and way of being.
Like is paramount.
For a happy, healthy and successful marriage, there were the predictable answers: Good communication. Never go to bed angry. Make each other laugh every day (one of my favorites). Forgive each other. Say I’m sorry. But here are some more unconventional and unexpected answers and the people from whom they came:
My dear friend Helen, an octogenarian and mother of four, was married 60 years before becoming a widow. She said having a bad memory and bad hearing were essential to a long-lasting and happy marriage. When I asked her to explain she said, there are some things you just need to forget and some things you just don’t want to hear. Also, the last time I saw her she told me she was happier than she’d ever been at 86! I asked her what she attributed this to and she said, “I’ve forgiven everyone and everything I think wronged me...even myself.” She also said she missed her husband, and might like to have a companion again, but she enjoyed her free time and really enjoyed every day of her life. It seems somehow apropos that she told me this the last time I saw her, and passed-on about six months later, though I miss her dearly.
Kevin’s parents, also in their eighties, said enjoying themselves with and without each other has kept their marriage healthy and happy. They spend time together, sharing at least one meal a day and going often to plays and musicals, but they each take on their own hobbies and activities. A retired physician, Mama Jones started taking singing lessons in her 70s, something she’d always wanted to do. A retired engineer, Papa Jones goes sailing, alone, at least once a week April through September on the Hudson River. Once in a while he’ll take guests, but he’ll go solo as much as he’ll host a sailing tour of the Hudson.
My family’s long-time friends Pete & Jane demonstrated selective hearing in maintaining a long-lasting and humorous marriage. Paul used to joke that Joyce’s hearing was so bad, she couldn’t hear Paul call for her, the phone or doorbell ring, but she’d always hear ice clink in a glass when Paul fixed himself a cocktail.
My parents say that shared values and philosophies about family and how to raise children has kept them together. When my older brother was getting into trouble, breaking-the-law and whatnot, that was one of the most trying times in their lives. But they’d tell him, “We’ll never give up on you...on any of you kids. What you’re doing is not okay, but we love you and will never give up on you.” Supporting each other through that was integral to their relationship lasting all these years . They celebrated 47 years in June – this is the first year I’ve been home for their anniversary in 15 years! They also say laughing and having a sense of humor close at hand has provided much-needed levity and fun throughout their lives and made the trying times somehow easier.
Unbeknownst to me, Marcus has been doing a similar survey for many years. His interviews started out differently, but wound up at the same place. While spending time in the hospital, being the curious bear he is, he wandered around and started talking to the “terminal” patients. He’d ask them: “What’s the most important thing in life?” Virtually everyone answered some form of the following: “family, friends, loved ones, loving people and connecting with people.”
When he asked them to expound, they’d say things like, “I should’ve spent more time with my wife or husband and less time at work.” or “I should’ve spent less time worrying and working and more time with my kids.” or “Family, friends and following your dreams.” No one said, “I wish I worked harder or worked more or made more money.” Not one person.
After that, he’d logically ask them about family and relationships, and to those who’d been married most of their lifetime, he’d ask them what makes a marriage work and last...
One old lady said: “It has nothing to do with love or sex. It has to do more with friendship, like and appreciation, than sex and love. I don’t necessarily want to screw him all the time, but I appreciate the way he looks, and the person he is.
Other common responses were: “Compromise and trust are the most important. You can’t have one without the other...and you can’t have a long-lasting marriage without them both.”
“It’s helpful to get along, but not necessary.”
“Forgiveness & letting things go.”
Seems to me, besides the poor hearing and poor memory, my friends the newlyweds have the foundation for what it takes to make a marriage happy, healthy, fun and long-lasting. You’ve got an in-the-bag kinda love for sure.
I wish you both all the best on the wedding, honeymoon, the pre- and post-parties and festivities surrounding you during this happy transition into married life. I look forward to celebrating many more of life’s events, big and small, with you and your man.
