Making decisions, for me, is often not easy at all.
Until it is.
Let me explain. There is too much. Let me sum up.
You see, I realized something this morning.
I'm just pretending to be in charge of my own life/mind/choices. Something else is going on. How do I know? My big life decisions have never really been made by me.
You see, I'll spend days, sometimes weeks (or in one unfortunate relationship situation - years) agonizing over a decision. The agony usually correlates to my perception of how big the decision is - the bigger the perception of the thing in my life, the greater the agony.
But here's the kicker. Once I do make the actual decision, it never is about weighing the pros & cons, or about all the permutations I've looked at on paper or in my mind. It's always just a clarity, a feeling, an intuition that just washes over me, usually after a good night's sleep, and often after an experience that is unrelated to the decision!
Now I've studied enough about psychology, the subconscious, and spirituality to know that we don't know jack. But we do know that the subconscious mind uses sleep and dreams to vent and work things out.
So here I am, 98% clear on a decision that has been haunting me for weeks. The type of haunting where I wake up in the morning thinking about this. Oftentimes I didn't even have a breath between sleeping and waking before thinking about what I needed to do next to figure this out. The type of haunting where I've had emotional breakdowns on a weekly basis, like clockwork. (The decision is related to investments and land and things that might bore you if I went into the details.)
And now that I'm on the other side, I can't believe I didn't see this more clearly before. Argh, the agony of hindsight!
Let me back up a bit. Years ago I went to boarding school. Now that may sound all rulers-on-the-wrist and catholic school girly, but this is me folks. It was a very un-catholic school girl experience. It was closer to Fame, without all the singing and dancing in the cafeteria. (We sang and danced in our performance space, thank you very much.) It was a residential arts school in Minneapolis, about 3 hours from my home town. I had to apply and audition to get in and it was a two-year program. Junior & senior years of high school. Once I did get in for my junior year of high school, I knew I would go. But my first year was hard being away from family and friends and in a completely new environment. I knew without a doubt at the time that I wanted to be a professional musician/singer/songwriter, but I didn't know if continuing at this school was a) the best way to do that or b) for me.
During summer vacation between junior and senior years, I did all the figuring out I possibly could. I weighed the pros and cons. I talked to some trusted friends and family. I stewed and stewed and stewed some more.
Then one night, at a party, I found the guy I'd been dating off and on in his car with my good friend Tara. If memory serves, walking by the car, I saw a bare ass lit-up by the moon light.
It was not a pretty sight.
I walked away and knew, right in that moment, that I was going back to Arts High for my senior year.
From the outside, it might've looked like I was merely reacting to my friend fooling around with the guy I liked. But that wasn't it at all. Maybe that was the catalyst, but ultimately, that wasn't what really did it for me.
Something beyond me, something older and wiser and calmer than I was at that time, made me know, as sure as winter in Minnesota, that I didn't really belong here anymore.
I spent my first year at Arts High feeling like I didn't belong there, but it was exceptionally confusing and frustrating because I didn't feel I belonged anywhere - not in this new place, but not in my old place either.
That night with the moon-lit-bare-ass was the catalyst for me to realize that all the discomfort of my first year was me growing into belonging in this new place.
My senior year at Arts High went by in a blur, but it was one of the best times in my life. I bonded with friends there that I still have to this day. I had experiences that inspired songs, and grew into the woman I am now in large part because of that decision.
What's it like for you? How do you come to your most life-altering decisions? At what point is it easy?
I do believe in following your gut. Problem is, I'm notoriously too impatient for my gut to chime in.
Guess I still need to learn more patience.
