The Resistance & The Resolution

Today my email inbox received a perfectly timed blog by Stephen Pressfield, author of The Legend of Baggar Vance, The War of Art, Last of the Amazons, Gates of Fire and more. Stephen Pressfield's published books. http://www.stevenpressfield.com/books/

He wrote one of my favorite books on art, creativity, and the internal struggles we all, but especially we creative-types, face. 

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles
(link above to book, available from Amazon)

I read Stephen Pressfield's blog today before my workout. I was cycling home from the gym post-workout and thoughts of his blog were loud and present in my mind. 

For context, here's an excerpt and link if you want to read more (I highly recommend you subscribe, especially if you're a writer or creative type):
http://www.stevenpressfield.com/2014/09/the-difference-between-14-and-15/

I was talking to a friend at the gym the other day. “How much strength do we all have?” he said. “Think about it: a ninety-five-pound mom can lift a Buick if her baby is underneath it, right? Then why is it so hard for that same woman to lift a 25-pound dumbbell here at the gym on a Tuesday morning?”The answer, my friend said, is that the muscles can but they don’t want to. They resist. They’re afraid of success, afraid of failure, afraid of pain, afraid of the unknown.“What we’re afraid of,” my friend said, “is going from using 14% of our potential to using 15%. For some reason, that increment is totally terrifying, even though there’s another 85% untouched beyond that.”Why is it so hard to get that 1%?We can all agree, I’m sure, that we experience a huge rush of exhilaration when we actually do it.Isn’t that what CrossFit is all about, or extreme sports, or any physical activity that pushes the body and the mind beyond their perceived limits? CrossFit, from what I’ve read, enlists camaraderie, competition, novelty (new exercises, new environments), games, challenges, etc. to inspire its members to go from 14% to 15%. Success becomes addictive. You do it once and you want to do it again.Yet the body resists. The mind resists. The world seems to have been made this way.Gravity doesn’t want us to fly. Death refuses to let us live forever. Fatigue conspires to keep us from true awakeness.The ancient Greeks would describe these forms of resistance as “the jealousy of the gods.” The immortals possess certain powers and gifts, and they don’t like it when we mere humans aspire to them as well.

I quote Stephen Pressfield here, and am so grateful for his blog today because I very recently had one of those days where I was just pissed off and steeped like a smelly old tea bag in resistance.

We recently moved to a brand new city, over 600 miles away from Los Angeles. It's beautiful. In the mountains, lots of nature and trees around, and healthy food (including TWO raw milk farms, yay!) within about 15 miles. Not much in the way of television production work, so we're budget-conscious, but still, the location and environment are amazing and I can't believe it took us so long to vacate the big city!

I've been forming my daily routine, which includes intense interval workouts, meditation, yoga, and creative work - writing, songwriting, re-writing, brainstorming, new idea generation (which is basically just engaging in life and taking notes when an idea hits me), and of course healthy eating and work or work-seeking. (I work freelance in TV/Film so I have quite a lot of freedom and will likely need to travel to work sometime in the coming months).

I'm no stranger to what most people call discipline. Whether it's food or workouts or yoga or meditation, I've been able to form daily routines that have helped me tremendously.

So WHY is it so hard sometimes to maintain and keep doing these things that I know are GOOD FOR ME!?!

Pressfield's blog reminded me that I am not alone. Most human beings experience some level of resistance in their lives. But why? It seems a hinderance, a burden, an annoyance, and especially a fucking pain in the ass for those of us trying to create something in our lives!

Hmm.

Oh, right.
The reason: Human survival

From what I've studied, our ancient bipedal ancestors -- who are virtually identical to modern man within less than 1% margin of evolutionary difference -- experienced resistance to change primarily because... (drum roll)...

CHANGE equals DEATH...

to the reptilian brain stem of our ancestors and US TOO!

Change equals death.

Of course we experience resistance.

My trouble with accepting this is around the fact that I still experience resistance, even when I know, viscerally and with irrefutable evidence, that the thing I aim to do is highly beneficial and healthy for me! Fuck! Why do I still experience resistance?

I'm not facing a saber toothed tiger, wooly mammoth, hypothermia, starvation or anything of the sort. In fact, most of the things I aim to accomplish in any given day are highly enjoyable, even my interval workout (similar to Crossfit but less prone to injury), though challenging, is often pleasant and certainly gives me an endorphin boost.

But still, RESISTANCE!!

So I carry on, doing my darndest to daily show up for myself in ways that I know help me to feel and be healthier, happier, more present, and experience more equanimity.

I also do my darndest to not listen to the reactive, resistant-based voice in my head, aka ego. That beautiful fucker can certainly be tricky and whisper so subtly that I'm often not even aware it's commanding me.

Today, I conquered, subdued or submitted resistance. Honestly, it feels like a glorious day and it's only 4pm.

For the curious, here's my list of daily physical, spiritual, and mental (including emotional) maintenance activities that I intend to do DAILY:

• 60min (or more)    physical exercise (excepting 1 day/week off for rest/recovery) 
• 15min      "             meditation
• 30min      "             creative - writing, songwriting, developing tv show ideas (60min+ ideal)
• 30min      "            home maintenance/chores

Today:
10 min Kundalini (short routine) before meditation
15 min Zen meditation
40 min interval cardio + 30 minutes interval weight-training
60+min Writing this blog & rewriting songs
30 min cleaning, doing dishes

We will see what tomorrow and the following days hold, but I'm intending to see through my own bullshit cloud on resistance-addled days and hold those days as glorious too.

Thank you, Stephen Pressfield, for reminding me of resistance, the reptilian brain and especially for reminding me we are not alone in this!

Chop Wood, Carry Water, Do Taxes

I'm still in the middle of doing my taxes for 2009, or more accurately, processing my expenses since I have a tax guy actually do my taxes - well worth the $100 he charges as he's a retired accountant but he still processes taxes for people for extra money during tax season. Anyway, I still do my own compiling and calculating of my expenses which looks like going through a pile of receipts, taping them up, which means taping as many receipts as will fit to a piece of paper, and then entering them into an excel spreadsheet to categorize and total them so we know what and how much to deduct.

By the way, those of you with "normal" jobs probably don't have to do this, but since I work for several (and by several I mean 10+) companies as a freelance or self-employed producer, camera assistant, boom operator, musician, (and soon-to-be self-employed Hypnotherapist), I get to deduct a lot of expenses that go towards these various jobs. Geesh! Writing it out that way makes me realize how many random things I do. Don't worry, I don't work nearly as much as I used to. At one point it was 70+ hours a week. Now it varies from job to job. The last time I worked around 70 hours in a week was on a commercial last November. As much as I appreciate the work, I don't look forward to another job like that as I was doing logistics and that exhausts me way more than creative. These days I'm working more in creative or as a crew member which doesn't sit so heavily on my left brain (on "crew" I'm doing boom operating or lighting/camera and it's more hands-on). I also like creative because I get to (duh), be creative and usually interview people and that's fun for me since I tend to do that with people anyway. I suppose that's a large part of what I'll be doing in Hypnotherapy too. Humph. Makes sense. But I digress. Back to taxes.

So here's what I do. I watch movies while I'm processing my expenses. For the most part, I don't need to focus that hard on what I'm doing. A monkey could tape receipts to a piece of paper. Though they'd get bored, anything a monkey could do (I mean no disrespect, as I acknowledge fully the brain power and opposable thumbs of our primate cousins), I figure I can do while doing something else slightly more enjoyable.

Now I recommend doing these mind-less paperworky kinds of things with light-hearted movies, as taxes are usually not lighthearted for most people. Last year I remember watching "Enchanted" which is not only lighthearted, it's also silly and doesn't take a lot of concentration to get the plot. This year I've been watching romantic comedies that I might not have the attention-span or patience for watching without another thing to keep me busy. When in Rome (which honestly wasn't great but at least it gave me a little entertainment while doing my taxes), and I also throw in a little television too. I quite enjoy The Marriage Ref (on nbc/hulu - love dvr & watching shows online at my convenience), which is right up my alley since I'm developing a show on relationships, sex and food.

But maybe, just maybe, there's a bigger lesson than just realizing my adult-onset attention deficit disorder's need to watch movies and television while doing my taxes.

A dear friend reminded me recently of one of my favorite Zen teachings:

Before Enlightenment, chop wood carry water.

After Enlightenment, chop wood carry water. (link for more)

Are taxes like this? Am I becoming more enlightened or zoning out? I imagine most zen masters would say there isn't that much a difference because it's all part of my path to becoming more enlightened.

As much as I wish I could just enjoy things that I don't enjoy. I'm still growing in that arena. Really, the only difference between things we enjoy and don't enjoy is our association with them. Think about it. Folks into S&M (sadomasochism) enjoy very much things that would be painful or torture to other people. I wonder if anyone has a tax-fetish.

Hmmm.

But for now, I'm pleasuring myself with television and movies while doing paperwork and other menial activities at home (since I need both hands to do paperwork and housework - for all the perverts out there picking up my innuendo). 

Try it. Let me know how it goes.

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• The Cove - Louie Psihoyos' Oscar speech & a guide on how to create change...
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Yelling - One of the Highest Forms of Compassion

Lately I’ve been watching Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Gordon Ramsey, who in my opinion, does for wanna-be successful restaurants what Simon Cowell does for wanna-be pop singers...and that is give them a serious dose of honesty – delivered fearlessly and without restraint. Personally, I like the honesty of Ramsey (and Cowell), not only because I usually agree with them, but because I admire how effortlessly Ramsey (we'll cover Cowell in a future blog) handles confrontation with stubborn, defensive, and clueless chefs and restaurateurs. I find myself wishing I could handle confrontation more like Chef Ramsey. It makes me curious about his upbringing and family life. In Ramsey’s home, is it copasetic and even encouraged to raise your voice during a discussion? I’m sort of fascinated by what his family dynamic might be like. Maybe he just learned it in the kitchen. Who knows.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that my family is not a yelling family. In fact, my father’s side is fully non-confrontational to the point where they’ll completely ignore an elephant in the room to avoid making waves. However my father has more boldness than his mother, in that he handled confrontations while teaching and coaching (35 years of the former, 25 years of the latter) with relative ease. My mother’s family, while generally not very confrontational, has a bit more fire in them, being a blend of Serbian and Russian, two semi-confrontational cultures (though I believe we having nothing on Latinos). I also never witnessed my parents yelling at each other. Something I feel grateful for now because it’s not a default that I readily go to when in arguments with my beau Marcus. Though I might not have learned how to verbally spar from my parents, I did learn how to fight for what I believe in and for what’s right, as my parents taught me that on a constant basis throughout my childhood.

The background is to bring you to this: For the first time in my life, I’ve yelled at my father. I have to tell you, it’s a bit uncomfortable for me, but still, I feel justified.

So maybe that’s it with Ramsey. He feels justified in his yelling at these chefs and restaurateurs who are so reluctant to take responsibility and create change in their businesses that he’s their loud, living, in-their-face wake-up call.

Because that’s what it is for me with my father. I feel justified yelling at him. Here’s why: He’s pre-diabetic. For anyone who knows anything about this, you know that for a seventy-one year old man (for a man at any age, really, but especially a bona-fide senior citizen), being pre-diabetic is not a good prognosis. The human body seems to handle semi-high blood sugar for about ten years, but once we pass the ten year mark, things start to go. My father, true to form, doesn’t really want to change anything in his diet or lifestyle. The changes he has made are sort of half-assed. The problem, I think, is that besides being overweight, my Dad feels generally all right. His weight-gain occurred primarily since he retired 15 years ago (since he worked out and ate less as a physical fitness teacher and football coach). But slowly over the past 15 years he’s gained weight and grown more sedentary. But they (they = reporters, doctors, the powers that be) call diabetes The Silent Killer for a reason. There are often no obvious symptoms with diabetes, even though complications from diabetes can be blindness, amputations, and usually irreversible coronary artery disease (which can lead to heart attacks and strokes).

So I feel justified yelling at my father because he didn’t really change much when I just spoke with him. Fortunately, I’m not alone in my fight as I imagine this would be much more difficult if I were. My boyfriend Marcus is a health and nutrition expert, and much-like Ramsey, is not afraid of confrontation, so we take turns talking to and sometimes yelling at my father. My mother, while not yelling at him, is making him healthy, healing foods to eat, but between my Mom’s healthy and Marcus sanctioned meals, my father still goes to some of the bad stuff.

Today’s yelling spell at my father was due to my mother’s report that he recently ate Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and a tuna-salad sandwich. Part of my rant was, “Dad, Kraft mac n’ cheese and a canned tuna sandwich?!? They are the bastards of pasta and fish. How about some organic pasta and the good, organic cheese (unpasteurized) that I know you have at home, or getting fresh tuna from the co-op?? But no, you have to eat the bottom of the totem pole of pasta and fish. Come on, Dad. You know better.”

But at this point, his taste-buds and eating are so habitualized, that he isn’t even aware of what he’s putting in his mouth and how it’s contributing to his impending diabetes. For example, the boxed mac n’ cheese has a higher glycemic index than a can of coke. Think about that. Mac n’ cheese spikes your blood sugar more than drinking a can of regular coke. Seriously. And sandwich was surely loaded with unknown sugars, what with the high-fructose corn-syrup spiked mayonnaise and the white bread that undoubtedly comprised the tuna-fish sandwich.

But what does this yelling mean in the big picture?

Though uncomfortable at times for all parties, I actually believe that yelling at my father is one of the highest forms of compassion. True compassion is fighting for the highest good, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I selfishly want so badly for my father to live long and healthy, that I’ll resort to yelling my truth to him, in the chance it’ll get through his thick, stubborn skin.

Which is part of why I like Chef Ramsey. He wants so badly for these people to have what they claim to want, that he’s willing to exert the effort and frankly, balls, that it takes to speak loudly and fiercely, the truth about how they’re f%*king up their restaurants.

Could there be a more quiet or gentler way of getting across my point or Chef Ramsey’s? Probably. Though I suppose it wouldn’t be as entertaining television in Ramsey’s case. But in my life, yeah, I suppose if I were more Zen, I might be able to find a way to get my point across without yelling and with more finesse and subtlety. But until I attain this Zen-state, I’m going to throw anything I have in my arsenal at my father about his health. Because as long as he’s not wiling to fight for himself and his health, I’ll fight for him. I can handle being a little uncomfortable, and so can he.

The irony is, I learned this lesson on true compassion and fighting for the highest good from my parents. Guess my Dad should’ve known it might come back to bite him on the ass. But Dad, I promise you... you’ll thank me some day.

More Interesting Katie Strand World Posts

• The Cove - Louie Psihoyos' Oscar speech & a guide on how to create change...
• My Favorite Things...Arrabiata Recipe - Fresh, Organic, Vegan or Primal
  
• My Favorite Shows on Television...or how David Duchovney & Jesus are likely Good in Bed
  
• The Hawaiian Islands and Washington D.C.’s sand-paper circle-jerk about Health Care
  
• My Buddha has Termites...A Lesson in Infinite Joy
• The One-Date-Wonders!
• I had to learn SIGN LANGUAGE when I moved to Los Angeles
• Guys can make a game out of anything
• Hello? The power of CONNECTING and how technology has changed things
  
• Popping the question is better than porn!
• Bravo, Stephen Colbert & Co! and your Olympic Vancouverage
• Songwriting is like SEX
• Born To Run by Christopher McDougall - Inspiring a inspiring all of us to be more in the FLOW
• A moment of silence for all the plastic surgery ca...
• Ricky Gervais should be the new Simon on American Idol
• Muscle SURPRISE! The key to physical, mental & emotional fitness
• I think my boyfriend's a snake...
• Release... Sweat & Power
• MY FAVORITE THINGS! - Vibram's Five Fingers
• Dick Morris... How do you sleep at night?
• Rusty DePass, Gorillas, and Obama, oh my!
• Michael Jackson - Troubled Genius

New Music
&
Posts
at
Katie Strand Music

• Please Don't Leave Me
• Going To California
  
• Come Back
• Home