Farts

 
Everybody farts.

It's true. Pamela Anderson. Prince Charles. Angelina Jolie. The Pope. The Dalai Lama. Even Jesus. I bet he had serious flatulence while writing and delivering the sermon on the mount. Stress often makes us more gassy.

We all fart. Yet, farting is one of the most denied, embarrassment-producing, blush-inducing, and humorous acts any of us does in public - accidentally or accidentally on purpose (sometimes it's just too much to hold).

Women are supposed to fart less than men, because farting is not cute nor pretty and women are supposed to be cute and pretty and, of course, feminine. Farting, as it has been socially decreed, is not acceptable for women to do freely and proudly. I've known men to fart proudly, but they're usually met with disgust and an eye roll by their female friends or companions. They're met with laughter and stomach-jabs by their fellow men, but also sometimes disgust.

But I'm here to tell you. Women fart. Everybody farts. Beautiful women. Kids. Dogs. Cats. All of the beautiful and lust-inducing celebrities and the not so lust inducing celebrities. We all fart. It's the great equalizer (pooping and peeing too - but those are mostly private activities).

Brad Pitt. Sandra Bullock. Katie Couric. Martha Stewart. Barbara Walters. Barbara Streisand. Though these last three look like they've been holding their farts for years. But I guarantee they've farted at least once a piece in their very proper, held together lives.

Farting is a biological imperative. So let 'er rip, folks! (Though be careful not to shart, an even less appropriate, and way less pleasant experience that is some accidental hybrid between farting and sh!ting.)

The Family Guy, as usual, has given us something to reflect upon... regarding farts.

Not really reflect. They just did a montage of the show's fart scenes and edited it all together so The Family Guy devotees don't have to. Here's the video. Enjoy and remember to like your farts.

 

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A moment of silence for all the plastic surgery casualties

Please...

A moment of silence for all the plastic surgery casualties...

No, I'm not talking about the tragedies of women (and men, though statistically more women get plastic surgery) who die due to complications during surgery or anesthesia, I'm talking about all of the big or lumpy noses, and cute little boobies (even the sagging ones) that are on the proverbial cutting room floors of plastic surgeons throughout Beverly Hills and Miami, and wherever else plastic surgery hails supreme as the maker of beauty-queen dreams.

Let's please all take a moment of silence.

Truth is, I miss Jennifer Grey and her big nose. I suspect most women of my generation loved Dirty Dancing and we didn't care that her nose was more prominent on her face than her lips. In fact, I think it probably made her more believable and more likable.

I also miss seeing real breasts. Christina Aguilera's boobs were perfectly adorable pre-enhancement. Now they're bulbous and obvious.

Look at Pamela Anderson. She was seriously adorable and small-chested. And now...looks like someone follows her around with a bicycle pump inflating those puppies.

What happened to God-given beauty? That on the cutting-room floor too?

My heart sinks every time I see a scene with an actress where her boobs are featured partially or fully exposed and I realize they're fake. I'm not really even a lesbian, but still, I really like real breasts. They're so...malleable and full of surprises in their shape, movement, and variety. They're like wine. Even if you've had that kind before, each bottle (or breast) is it's own unique flavor.

How can we come back from this plastic-obsession? Any ideas out there? Please, post a comment. How do we dig ourselves out of this craziness?

I like pretty things as much as the next visual gal. But I like uniqueness, personality, character and naturalness more. I also love seeing an older woman who shows her wisdom on her face. I believe Joan Rivers wishes she could go back. I heard that somewhere. I wish she could too. She's always been an extremely talented, funny, and striking-looking woman, but now her strikingness is due to too much plastic surgery, not her greatness and God-given unique look.

I have ZERO plans to have plastic surgery. I have never botoxed, and don't plan to. To be honest, I'm not crazy about the subtle lines between my forehead - indicators that I tend to be cerebral, and that I (used to) take myself (and sometimes life) too seriously! Those who know me well know I'm working hard (or not working - mostly meditating and learning how to relax and really do and think nothing), on being less serious. But, I'll make you a deal... If I ever get elective plastic-surgery, I will run down the 405 freeway naked during rush hour (except for my sneakers or five fingers running shoes)...showing off my plumped up lips and breasts that are not bouncing freely as I run.