Of Mouth and Mind

Turns out, it's a lot easier to control what's going into my mouth, than what's going on in my mind.

Juice, liquids, no meat, no carbs, only organic - all of that is easy compared to this kindness fast that is a constant thing hanging over me. I feel like an addict just itching for that fix of annoyance or irritability - so accustomed to it in my system that the mere self-imposed edict of a kindness fast has me breaking a decades long default habit.

You see, I've realized that me getting irritable and annoyed about these everyday annoyances (you know - a bad driver, forgetting something, Marcus screwing something - like taking out the trash - up!). All of these things I categorize under irritants and annoyances because they are not life threatening or even life-style threatening, but still they dictate the ebb and flow of my day like the waves of the freaking ocean! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! I say!

The truth is, I don't think I'm as irritable or annoy-able as many people I've witnessed, but this isn't really about them, and isn't everything fucking relative?

I've glimpsed, I've felt for sometimes minutes or hours, the kind of elation, the kind of connection, the kind of unattached bliss that comes from realizing the oneness of all things. From realizing that I'm perfect as I am in all the nuances and "flaws" that I'm judging myself for on a regular basis. The hardest part is not being attached to this blissed-out, connected feeling.

Also, I've felt what it's like to be stressed in my body, to be self-criticizing and annoyed with myself and others. It feels restrictive, acidic, tense, grumpy, and disconnecting. I wouldn't want these things for my dearest loved one, so I'm doing my best to largely end them in myself. This kindness fast is an experiment to see how it goes... Maybe it's more an end to suffering in my existence. I've heard Marcus speak about this and he's the only person, save a few buddhist or zen priests/practitioners I've heard speak on the matter, who I believe when they say they've ended suffering for themselves. The sum-up and my interpretation of how this is done is this: pain exists, but suffering is a choice. The suffering is what we put on top of whatever experience we're having. It's the "why me" after the painful experience happens (whether emotional or physical pain)... For me, it's the mental expectation of perfection, of flawlessness. My addiction to this kind of thinking has nuances for Christ's sake! There is no demand of perfection 100% of the time, because rationally I know that's impossible. The edict is to be smart, be good enough to prevent the mistakes and flaws that are foreseeable, so that life's unforeseeable and unpredictable hiccups, blips and tragedies can be dealt with.

But the expectation in the daily decisions isn't the most insidious about this - it's the aftermath when I realize I could've done my preventative maintenance better.

All of this is coming to the surface now that I've put myself in a kindness fast. Because I know, to my core, that this kind of perfection expectation, this berating myself in my supposed perfect hindsight, is extremely unkind. I'm clear I don't want to do it anymore, but how to implement that has me... at my greatest inner challenge, it seems.

Funny thing is, for years I've been calling myself a recovering perfectionist. I've done self growth work on this already... I understand better now why the AA folks say one day at a time. That's where I'm at. One day at a time.

Where's my fucking AA meeting?