Letting Go of Fear

As part of my Kindness Fast, I started reading a book that I heard about years ago called When Fear Falls Away by Jan Frazier.

I just started reading it.

I have some criticisms about the author and her writing style that I personally don't like, but I'm still trying to get the core of the message, because I think it applies to what I'm doing in that....

I think part of my mission, unknown to me, even, was to attain a largely stress-free, worry-free, and fearless state.

I'm not talking about the fearlessness that would have me go into the lion's den, or step in front of traffic or jump off a bridge without a parachute or tether...

I'm talking about the kind of fears that plague my everyday consciousness.

Not just the fear of something happening, but what might happen if something happens.

What if my parents die?
What if Marcus dies?
What if I die?
What if I get injured in some horrific way?
What if my siblings die?
What if my nephews die?
What if one of my loved ones gets sick, injured or dies?
What if I never have children?
What if I go bankrupt?
What if I go broke?
What if I go homeless?

All these different scenarios that haven't happened yet, but could happen and will happen in the case of death... They bog me down. They weigh on me with a force stronger than gravity.

Many years ago I wrote song lyrics about this very thing.

"Resentment reaps my energy. I want to use it for love."

Something in me decided after writing that to love as wholly and fiercely as possible - to love like there is no tomorrow. Geesh, no wonder some of my ex/old loves got overwhelmed by me. Fortunately, Marcus seems to drink it up.

But on death...

As far as I know no one has cheated death and maybe no one really wants to after a certain point of mental and physical degradation... though I hear about monks who live until they're 105 or 110 and then just die in their sleep, without being ill, sickly, or degraded in any way. In fact, I hear that these monks often choose when they're ready to die, let those around them know, "hey everybody, I'm going to pass on Friday, just so you know..." on Thursday they're healthy, doing their gardening, exercises, prayers, eating, carrying water and chopping wood, and then Friday, their body is left, but their life force is gone...

That sounds about ideal for me. I'm aiming for 140 because if I don't reach that goal, a) I don't think anyone will hold it against me and b) I won't be around in the event that someone does hold it against me.

But I sort of am touching on a little bit of it. I'm touching on... experiencing what it's like to fearless.

And it's funny, those who know me well, may already think that I am fearless. I've done things that many people are afraid of. Some of the most common fears in our culture I seem to have dealt with if not mastered. According to Jordan Smoller, the #1 most common fear is People/Public Speaking/Performing. "An estimated 12% of Americans meet the criteria for full-blown social phobia."
I've done both public speaking and a ton of performing for audiences small and large, and I feel confident I could do it again. Smoller lists Heights as #3, and though I've felt some fear when I've done height-related activities, the fear has never stopped me from doing aerial acrobatics, skydiving, rock climbing or repelling. In case you're wondering, Smoller's #2 is fear of Animals. Had I not looked up common fears and found Smoller's list, and found his article, The 10 Most Common Phobias, I would not have mentioned that as a child, around age 10, a German Shepard ran and jumped at me, presumably aiming for my throat or face, and somehow I managed to step back and turn around in time so the dog bit me in the back. Not a great surface to gain purchase for a dog's mouth and certainly way better for me than this German Shepard latching onto my throat or face. Anyway, I see how I could've developed a fear of dogs from that, but somehow I manage to dog-sit and be around dogs - small and large - and even enjoy them, without being crippled by fear! Another on Smoller's list is Water/Drowning, coming in at #8. Here's another one for me. Around age 4 my older brother held me under water at the lake. I still swam after that but for about ten years was afraid of putting my head underwater, so much so that I freaked out my first day of swim practice, and hyperventilated trying to do a proper front crawl, and never went back to trying to swim competitively. But that experience startled me... So, at age 15, I decided to get certified as a lifeguard.

All of this isn't to share how awesome or brave I am, because I certainly don't feel awesome or brave all the time... Though I've had my moments of awesomeness and bravery - as every human being has... It's more to share that I must've had some determination within or possibly some wiring in my brain that set the foundation for me to do this type of work - the very profound, delicate, difficult, and heart-wrenching work of letting go of fear.

My eyes well with tears as I write this.

Today I spoke with someone about some personal business I have that needs settling. He was very rude, and maybe he's trained to be that way or maybe he gets results that way. It may be effective, but it wasn't effective in my case because he didn't get what he wanted from me... But after I hung up I felt really afraid. I was sweating and anxious and so I took it to the end. I took it to the worst case scenario. I asked myself, what's the worst that can happen? The truth is, I don't know. So I decided to guess and air out my fears:
I guess they could take everything I have, all of my possessions and money.
I guess they could put me in jail. (Though my research shows this is highly unlikely.)
I guess they could hurt me, kill me or I could die. (More unlikely than the above - I'm not dealing with the mafia or loan sharks or anything like that.)
I guess they could try to come after the people I love. (But again this is highly unlikely.) And that would be worse than them coming after me... But I feel like my loved ones will be okay too.

But take it to the end. The worst case scenario, the final page for all of us is death. I mean whether or not you believe in an afterlife, the last thing we can verify of this physical world is the moment before death. Now I agree that there are experiences in life, many experiences, in fact, that are worse than death. Torture, rape, kidnapping, illness, injury, and any aforementioned thing or death happening to a loved one - all seem much worse to me than death, but from what I hear about death, it's not so bad.

From what I understand it's rather peaceful and calm. Again, let me remind you, as I mentioned in The Inspiration Hunter blog, I don't desire or long for death. It's not me. It never has been. But when I think about being afraid of all these life things... Life's scariest things, to me, losing a loved one and surviving, torture, pain, knowing a loved one is in pain, and then I think about my own death.... I feel like I can do it and that gives me calm. A deep, inner calm. A calm in a place that I've kind of been holding space for, for a very long time. Holding space and welcoming.

Maybe it started when I was 4 and held under water. Maybe it started when I was 10 and bitten by the dog. Or maybe it started when I started...whenever that was. I don't know.

Whatever you're afraid of, take it to the end.

I have Marcus to thank for reminding me of this one. I was witness to him working with a client recently and he reminded me of this tool. Whatever you're afraid of, take it to the end. Then, once you realize what that is, look at how you've created it all in your imagination - that none of it has happened yet, and retell what might happen so that you come out the victor, so that you come out with the advantage, so that you come out loving and loved.


You might as well win in your own fantasy.