How To Make Widowing Suck A Little Less

My heart feels like it's breaking... all the time. 

And then another moment I'm powerful, beautiful, alive, free. 

Then another, chest aching heartache, hyperventilating crying, rocking myself to some semblance of strings-held together comfort, grasping my own shirt, my own hair, anything to ground to, to grasp, to hold onto. 

This widowing is such a fucking mixed and surprising bag. Whatever i may be, some mad scientist artist renaissance bohemian, this process is so very curious... to me. I'm observing myself go through it, knowing some of my psych colleagues would identify that as disassociation, to which I reply, "no, I'm Viktor Frankeling being a widow." Only, my task is considerably smaller than Mr. Frankels was. So I observe and document by sharing with whomever will read. I can't find my current journal. Whoops. It'll turn up. Songs are happening. And sometimes, I write here and there's something cathartic in sharing. So I share. 

I feel so much now. Like fog has lifted, and I can't go back. It's extraordinary. Intense. Overwhelming. Serene. Powerful. Mysterious. 

Thanks for all your dedications, time, hugs, phone calls, concerts, lunches, outings dinners, thoughts, prayers, vibes...  everything! Today I went to Griffith Observatory! It was so lovely, thank you Taja Magon!

Derron Ross

Erin Brown

Carl Hansen

Andrew Goldstein

Piper Monique Dellums

Allan Palmer

Jeff Perkowitz

Kate Helen Goodman Eiynck

Gregory Porter

Jessica Chiles

Jason Schuyler

Paz Fernandez

Dave Shirazi

Eric Malmberg

Diana Flotten

Andy Flotten

Kay Strand

Linda S. Montgomery

Mary Alice Jouppi

Robert Prentice

Rollercoaster! Just typing all your names reminded me how loved I am... and how grateful I am for all of you. Thank you so much. Thank you. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 there are so many more people I want to name, David Couper, I love you! It's just incredible.

Ok I can't see no more. Pouring tears. Heartbreak tears are now gratitude tears. And love. It's so weird. That line Patrick Swazee says at the very end of Ghost, it's actually true. Something like "the love you feel... it's incredible." I think I'm dipping a toe in that. Maybe. 

P.S. Be careful about watching season 3 of Jane The Virgin. SPOILER ALERT ... ... 

....

it's lousy with widow stuff and themes that'll likely bring on the waterworks is theres anyone out there in that space. I might've postponed watching but... I'm along for the ride tonight.  She's no longer Jane the Virgin, she's Jane the Widow! Argh! Cheesy TV shows that are helping me cry! 😝