What Women Never Tell You: The Man's Guide to Sex, Love & Beating the Competition. FINISHED!!

What I got for Christmas, from myself and Marcus, was finishing the final revision of our book: What Women Never Tell You: The Man's Guide to Sex, Love & Beating the Competition.

For most of us I'm sure quality time with loved ones and creating/progress/ growth/accomplishment is more satisfying than material stuff, and that's exactly how I feel today. Satisfied & happy... though I wouldn't have turned down a Tesla or Vitamix blender had one or both appeared this Christmas. But finishing this book we've been working on for over 5 years feels pretty damn good this Christmas!

Here's the beginning of the chapter "She Will Never Tell You What She Wants, But Will Expect You To Know." We thought it was apropos to share for Christmas and the giving season! Subscribe to receive the entire chapter for free!

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She Will Never Tell You What She Wants, But Will Expect You To Know (excerpt)

Most women actually think they are asking for what they want, and don’t realize they’re about as obvious as a whisper in a windstorm. They give you hints and clues with subtle indicators like winks, head nods, and leaving a window open on the computer, and figure... Well he must know. I gave him all those clues. Meanwhile, most men simply wish the women in their lives would straight-up just say exactly what they want without all the detective work.

Why is this the way it is? Well, it comes down once again to how women communicate and perceive things. You think you’re speaking the same language, but you’re not. Women use a secret language, a covert way of communicating that is full of physical, emotional and verbal subtext and innuendo. The funny thing is that for women, their subtext-laden language isn’t subtle at all. To them it is perfectly obvious, like the nose on your face. They truly think everyone talks this way. This is why women overanalyze and think there is more to what you say than what you actually said. You've heard it before, after you say something very clear and simple, your woman asks, what do you mean by that? They hear subtext and subtlety because that’s the waythey hear as well as communicate.

To you, the man, it often seems as though your woman is just rambling. To a woman, what they said was simple and direct, even when it seems they have not said anything. Remember, they are communicating even when they are not talking. The real rub is that a lot of the time what shemeans is the opposite of what she is actually saying.

For example it could go like this:

You:

Hey babe, Jenny wants us to come over for the pre-game party.

Her:

Why? You know how I hate her.

You:

What are you talking about, you talk to Jenny all the time?

Her:

I don't want to go to her barbecue.

You:

But... You... But she’s like your best friend.

Her:

But that doesn't mean I want to hang with her all the time.

You:

Oh... Okay. So you want…. us… to… not go?

Her:

(giving you a nasty look)

We can't not go, are you insane? You said we would go, and plus that would be insulting if we didn't go.

You:

So... You doooo… want… to...go? You just said you didn't though.... I'm confused.

Her:

(looking at you like you’re stupid)

Just because I said I didn't want to go doesn't mean we shouldn't go.

You

(more confused)

Ok?.... What are we doing?

Her:

(pissed off)

Did you not just listen to me! Let’s just go!

Dizzying isn't it? She is operating on a completely different set of rules...

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Asshole, Poser or Guru

I've been thinking lately about aggression, versus assertiveness, versus intensity.

Sometimes it's hard to discern the difference when someone is coming at you with decidedly intense energy. Are they being aggressive, assertive or intense? What's the difference? Well, from what I understand, aggressive has hostile intent, assertive can merely be someone sticking up for themselves without intent to be hurtful or harmful, and intense is purely that person's passion coming out in their interaction. That's my interpretation of the difference, though really, that's just semantics. If someone is being a threatening asshole, they can call themselves any of the above, but an asshole is an asshole, no matter how you color him or her. (Even though the term "asshole" is reserved for men usually, I like to use it ubiquitously for men and women - no discrimination. Just like men can be bitches or bitchy too - it all depends on the tone of their outburst/behavior.)

But anyway. This thinking of late brought me to a much-needed realization. You see I used to be more uncomfortable with intense, assertive or aggressive energy. This may be surprising to some of you who know me as a kick-ass kind of chic. (Or as my friend Koko says, "bad-ass.") I may have some fearless and bad-ass qualities, but in the past I still felt uncomfortable with aggressive people, especially aggressive men. I suppose my size and relative strength has helped me mask my inner feelings of fear and/or trepidation, and ultimately, I have usually had good boundaries for myself with people and have never found myself in an abusive (verbally or physically) relationship. I can also thank my parents and especially my father for that, as he illustrated for me a manly, tough-guy (he was a football coach, after all!) who is also affectionate, expressive of his love for his wife and children (and students and players), but was unflappable when it came to people being aggressive or posturing to him. Thanks, Dad.

But anyway. This all got me to wondering. What changed for me and what really is the difference between the different forms of intense energy people convey to each other?

Well, I think studying martial arts has helped me not feel intimidated by aggressive energy. Whew! Thanks, Marcus (and Transformational Fighting Arts). Though if I weren't taking classes from Marcus and subsequently dating him, I would've landed on another martial art as it was something I was really looking for.

More than that, however, I realized something about the way that people are intense. This is it:

The tell-tale for me is intent. But intent is often hard to find when we're stuck smack-dab in the middle of being triggered by someone or something so...here's how I've found to gauge intent.

When the intense person is met with intensity back at them, that's where their true colors show.

When met with equal or greater intensity, this is what happens:

The assholes get even more intense or even abusive. These are the people to diffuse as soon as possible unless you are a seriously advanced negotiator, martial artist or fighter.


The posers cower like a sheep in wolf's clothing, tucking their tail between their legs and whimpering.


The gurus celebrate a person finding their voice, speaking their truth and standing up for themselves.

You see, I saw this with Marcus and my Mother. Just over a year ago, my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer or as Marcus likes to call it, a booby-lump. One of the things he picked up on in her was her fear of confrontation. This created in her a heightened state of anxiety about her interactions with people, especially intense (or aggressive or assertive) people. In walks Marcus. Now Marcus' maternal family argues as sport. They're from Jamaica and they make Italians look docile. No hard feelings, they just express themselves and usually loudly. But Marcus really is a big 'ol lovey puppy-bear. He likes to say he has a soft, creamy filling. The full statement is, I may have a hard exterior, but I have a soft, creamy filling.

Initially, my Mom was unsure of his intensity, but as he worked with her - on nutrition, spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological stuff - she found her voice. She even yelled at him about something she felt extremely passionate about.

I was watching all of this happen and I can be very protective of my loved ones, so I continually checked in with my higher-self to ensure this was unfolding in a harmonious and  "for-the-highest-good" way. (The answer was always yes.) Anyway, when my Mom raised her voice and cursed at Marcus, he said, Right on, Kay! Way to go! That's what I want to hear!

He celebrated. Celebrated my Mom finding her voice, cursing (she rarely used the f-word at that time so throwing down an f-bomb is a big deal for her), and speaking her truth.

So, to wrap all this up. If the person you're getting into a heated discussion with seems to celebrate you expressing your own truth and intensity, that's probably someone you want to keep around. Or at the very least, learn as much as you can from.

But if you need a quick little reminder, remember this simple formula and question:

When met with intensity back, is this person behaving like an asshole, poser or guru?