Of Mouth and Mind

Turns out, it's a lot easier to control what's going into my mouth, than what's going on in my mind.

Juice, liquids, no meat, no carbs, only organic - all of that is easy compared to this kindness fast that is a constant thing hanging over me. I feel like an addict just itching for that fix of annoyance or irritability - so accustomed to it in my system that the mere self-imposed edict of a kindness fast has me breaking a decades long default habit.

You see, I've realized that me getting irritable and annoyed about these everyday annoyances (you know - a bad driver, forgetting something, Marcus screwing something - like taking out the trash - up!). All of these things I categorize under irritants and annoyances because they are not life threatening or even life-style threatening, but still they dictate the ebb and flow of my day like the waves of the freaking ocean! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! I say!

The truth is, I don't think I'm as irritable or annoy-able as many people I've witnessed, but this isn't really about them, and isn't everything fucking relative?

I've glimpsed, I've felt for sometimes minutes or hours, the kind of elation, the kind of connection, the kind of unattached bliss that comes from realizing the oneness of all things. From realizing that I'm perfect as I am in all the nuances and "flaws" that I'm judging myself for on a regular basis. The hardest part is not being attached to this blissed-out, connected feeling.

Also, I've felt what it's like to be stressed in my body, to be self-criticizing and annoyed with myself and others. It feels restrictive, acidic, tense, grumpy, and disconnecting. I wouldn't want these things for my dearest loved one, so I'm doing my best to largely end them in myself. This kindness fast is an experiment to see how it goes... Maybe it's more an end to suffering in my existence. I've heard Marcus speak about this and he's the only person, save a few buddhist or zen priests/practitioners I've heard speak on the matter, who I believe when they say they've ended suffering for themselves. The sum-up and my interpretation of how this is done is this: pain exists, but suffering is a choice. The suffering is what we put on top of whatever experience we're having. It's the "why me" after the painful experience happens (whether emotional or physical pain)... For me, it's the mental expectation of perfection, of flawlessness. My addiction to this kind of thinking has nuances for Christ's sake! There is no demand of perfection 100% of the time, because rationally I know that's impossible. The edict is to be smart, be good enough to prevent the mistakes and flaws that are foreseeable, so that life's unforeseeable and unpredictable hiccups, blips and tragedies can be dealt with.

But the expectation in the daily decisions isn't the most insidious about this - it's the aftermath when I realize I could've done my preventative maintenance better.

All of this is coming to the surface now that I've put myself in a kindness fast. Because I know, to my core, that this kind of perfection expectation, this berating myself in my supposed perfect hindsight, is extremely unkind. I'm clear I don't want to do it anymore, but how to implement that has me... at my greatest inner challenge, it seems.

Funny thing is, for years I've been calling myself a recovering perfectionist. I've done self growth work on this already... I understand better now why the AA folks say one day at a time. That's where I'm at. One day at a time.

Where's my fucking AA meeting?

The Inspiration Hunter

In the past I've joked that I'm an inspiration-hunter.

While part of me longed to be a muse because it seemed simpler, sexier, and less daunting, defined in my mind as she who inspires creation... Alas I think I'm more the seeker of inspiration, the hunter of things and people that stir up a desire to create, to connect, and especially to live.

Save a recent migraine (I've fortunately had only a small handful in my life), I've never been someone who wanted to exit this life early. Sure, I've thought it might be easier, more peaceful, more quiet and potentially more nothing when this life of mine is passed, I've never really wanted that...

But the desire to live and feel alive has driven me for most of my life. Intertwined is the desire to create and connect - with myself and others, and especially to some other, benevolent, ethereal, universal, ubiquitous source.

I suppose that is what spawned the songwriter in me. Not the other way around.

To clarify: My desire to be inspired and seeking inspiration so that I could feel more connected, more alive and more creative, is what spawned the songwriter in me.

For some reason tears keep coming up as I write this.


Maybe we all have some element of this. Maybe it's just part of the human condition and not unique to me or any other creative types. I don't know.


I read two quotes this morning, inspired by an interview I worked on yesterday. The interviewee paraphrased a Joseph Campbell quote about heroes. After some digging I came across another quote and then the Joseph Campbell quote as well. Here they are. Hope they move or inspire you in some way that is unique to you. Let me know how it goes.


"I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see, I sought my god, but my god eluded me; And then I sought my sisters and my brothers, and in them I found all three." ― Baba Amte


“...And where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.” 
― Joseph Campbell

Hello? The power of CONNECTING and how technology has changed things

Technology has changed dramatically in the past 50 years. It's easy to forget for anyone under age 35, since we were adapting still to the world while some of the most dramatic changes were occurring. But I'm reminded of how much technology has changed upon any technological interaction with my parents. I adore my parents. More than is probably necessary (as if that's calculable). But, like many of their peers, they are technologically challenged.

My mother checks emails on a daily basis and since she has been a good typist since just after suffrage, and just before computers, she has no problem with that. My father still creates graphs with paper, pen and a ruler. (A younger version of him would probably thrive on excel... Oh, wait. That might be me.) Anyway, I think I've received maybe 2 emails from my father, tops. He doesn't like to type nor does he type well. His primary use for the computer is to play solitaire, though ultimately I think he prefers real playing cards for that.

Aside from computers, my favorite of their techno-shortcomings is they way they use their mobile phone. For the first year of owning a mobile phone, my parents would first look at their ringing phone like they weren't sure it would really work. Then they'd press the answer button very carefully and distinctly. Next they would bring the phone to their ear and say, hello? with a significant upturn at the end of the word... creating a subtext that could only mean, I'm not convinced this will actually work since we're no where near a cord or rotary-phone and there's no operator on the other end of the line, but I'm just going to try it out to see...cuz my kids tell me it works.

While they've mostly gotten over the, hello? syndrome, they still are averse to most newer technology. Neither one text messages nor do they have any interest in a "smart" phone. Can't blame them on that one. The only reason I got one was because of work. I used to like being away from my computer when I was away from it...now I just regulate that by separating myself from my "smart" phone when I'm not actually using it.

Additionally, their aversion to technology makes me think about how technology has affected our lives. Certainly, lives have been saved due to mobile phones providing a link to people in danger or stranded (when they can get a signal, that is). Also, they have probably reduced the amount of murders of stranded motorists accepting rides from predatory strangers (though statistically these deaths were relatively low). I know from first-hand experience that they expedite work on television and film sets, however they also disturb things sometimes...ringing at inopportune times and causing interference with sound systems. But they also seem to have reduced our attention spans, and I think they've expanded the rift between teenagers and well...everyone, as it seems most teenagers have their heads down more than half of their waking hours - either texting, chatting or my/face-networking.

But here's the strangest thing for me. Our primary use of technology, besides for pornography, which still might qualify, is to connect. But we all seem more disconnected. This increased technology seems to have reduced our real, personal interaction. But maybe the sentiment was similar about the telephone... that it would decrease letter writing and the very intimacy, though somewhat delayed, that letter-writing provides in the thoughtfulness that usually goes into letters. I'm the only girl I can think of who actually exchanged loved letters with a recent boyfriend. For my female friends it's been over ten years for most of them since they've written or received any kind of hand-written love letter.

So, what's the conclusion? Barring some catastrophe (which some say is coming between now and 2012), I don't suspect things will change much by way of going back to older forms a communication. Nor do I necessary think they should. But we could all probably stand to look at each other in the eye more. Separate yourself from your mobile phone. Write a letter. Call from a land-line. You're much less likely to drop your call.

But mostly, please remember why this technology exists in the first place. To CONNECT you to people, whether new friends, relatives, acquaintances, or colleagues, who, like it or not, affect and impact your life, and you theirs. Remember this all comes down to CONNECTING.

And for goodness sake, call your parents...but let it ring a few times.

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