Of Mouth and Mind

Turns out, it's a lot easier to control what's going into my mouth, than what's going on in my mind.

Juice, liquids, no meat, no carbs, only organic - all of that is easy compared to this kindness fast that is a constant thing hanging over me. I feel like an addict just itching for that fix of annoyance or irritability - so accustomed to it in my system that the mere self-imposed edict of a kindness fast has me breaking a decades long default habit.

You see, I've realized that me getting irritable and annoyed about these everyday annoyances (you know - a bad driver, forgetting something, Marcus screwing something - like taking out the trash - up!). All of these things I categorize under irritants and annoyances because they are not life threatening or even life-style threatening, but still they dictate the ebb and flow of my day like the waves of the freaking ocean! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! I say!

The truth is, I don't think I'm as irritable or annoy-able as many people I've witnessed, but this isn't really about them, and isn't everything fucking relative?

I've glimpsed, I've felt for sometimes minutes or hours, the kind of elation, the kind of connection, the kind of unattached bliss that comes from realizing the oneness of all things. From realizing that I'm perfect as I am in all the nuances and "flaws" that I'm judging myself for on a regular basis. The hardest part is not being attached to this blissed-out, connected feeling.

Also, I've felt what it's like to be stressed in my body, to be self-criticizing and annoyed with myself and others. It feels restrictive, acidic, tense, grumpy, and disconnecting. I wouldn't want these things for my dearest loved one, so I'm doing my best to largely end them in myself. This kindness fast is an experiment to see how it goes... Maybe it's more an end to suffering in my existence. I've heard Marcus speak about this and he's the only person, save a few buddhist or zen priests/practitioners I've heard speak on the matter, who I believe when they say they've ended suffering for themselves. The sum-up and my interpretation of how this is done is this: pain exists, but suffering is a choice. The suffering is what we put on top of whatever experience we're having. It's the "why me" after the painful experience happens (whether emotional or physical pain)... For me, it's the mental expectation of perfection, of flawlessness. My addiction to this kind of thinking has nuances for Christ's sake! There is no demand of perfection 100% of the time, because rationally I know that's impossible. The edict is to be smart, be good enough to prevent the mistakes and flaws that are foreseeable, so that life's unforeseeable and unpredictable hiccups, blips and tragedies can be dealt with.

But the expectation in the daily decisions isn't the most insidious about this - it's the aftermath when I realize I could've done my preventative maintenance better.

All of this is coming to the surface now that I've put myself in a kindness fast. Because I know, to my core, that this kind of perfection expectation, this berating myself in my supposed perfect hindsight, is extremely unkind. I'm clear I don't want to do it anymore, but how to implement that has me... at my greatest inner challenge, it seems.

Funny thing is, for years I've been calling myself a recovering perfectionist. I've done self growth work on this already... I understand better now why the AA folks say one day at a time. That's where I'm at. One day at a time.

Where's my fucking AA meeting?

The Kindness Fast

(Originally written March 1, 2013)

I'm embarking on a new kind of fast.

A Kindness Fast...

But let me back up a bit first.

I've been on juice fasts, which I highly recommend. I suppose it's more accurately called a liquid fast. 20 days is my max so far, and mine was a blend of the following: 85% fresh, home-made vegetable juices, 15% raw milk with whey protein to prevent muscle wasting, with as much herbal tea (mostly I drank Dr. Schulze's detox tea to help with the cleanse) and water as I wanted. All organic, of course.

I've done the master cleanse, which is ten days of maple-syrup sweetened, fresh squeezed lemonade, topped off with cayenne pepper! I liked the lemonade recipe and taste, but don't recommend it now that I'm with Marcus and he's explained it can be harmful because it lacks key nutrients our bodies need.

I've given up all carbs for an extended amount of time, which I also highly recommend, especially for women and people with mild to severe hypoglycemia. 

I think I blogged about my carb-free diet. It lasted 60-90 days and I was hornier than a hell cat in heat. I went on it to re-balance my hormones because there were signs that things were off. Inconsistent menstrual cycles, bloating and emotional volatility told me (and Marcus who coached me through this whole thing) that my body could be more well balanced hormonally.

And when I say gave up all carbs, I mean ALL carbs. No bread, pasta, rice, sugar, honey, potatoes. It was difficult, but between the carb fast and juicing a few months later for 20 days, my cycles re-regulated and are now healthy and consistent lengths.

I've gone vegetarian, vegan and raw for periods of time ranging from weeks to years.

I've done yoga for over 200 days straight - rain or shine, in sickness and health, whether ten minutes or an hour. I guess it was a yoga fast.

But I have never, ever done an emotional fast.

It's an idea I came up with recently.

My first idea was to do a stress fast, but unlike a juice or liquid fast (where juice and liquid are all that are consumed), I was thinking of how I could do a stress-free period of time. Like giving up meat for lent, but I'd be giving up stress.

But as my self-imposed start date of March 1st approached, I wasn't convinced that focusing on stress was the best way to go about doing this.

I awoke in the middle of the night feeling some anxiety about a recent big purchase Marcus and I made, and I realized stress or stress-free is not the ideal focus for me to have on this particular cleanse.

Kindness is the focus. 

After all, one of the most insidious ways I am un-kind to myself is in the past when I have filled myself with self-doubt, regret, anxiety, and the mental self-abuse of questioning and berating myself and my choices! And guess what all of that mishegoss creates in the body? STRESS!

So, starting today, March 1st, I'm going on a kindness fast.

Inspired by yesterday's quotes from Joseph Campbell and Baba Amte (KSW blog: The Inspiration Hunter) and by the paraphrase of a Gandhi quote: Be the change you want to see in the world, I'm going on a kindness fast.

Pop culture has paraphrased it to be more succinct, but Gandhi's actual quote is: “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do." 

If a Juice Fast is defined as: (noun) a type of fasting and detox diet in which a person consumes only fruit and vegetable juices. These liquid foods are digested rapidly as the juice digestion process expends only a small amount of energy for the purpose of detoxifying and rebalancing the body's digestion, hormones, and vascular system to encourage optimum function. 

A Kindness Fast, for me, is defined as: (noun, verb) A fast where kindness is the primarily consumed emotional and mental action for the purpose of detoxifying the body and mind from the effects of self-criticism, doubt, stress, regret, and unreasonable expectations... to rebalance mental and emotional well being.

In practical terms, this will involve and evolve (with updates on this blog):

60 days of being kind to myself every day, in every moment possible. Yoga, meditation, healthy, tasty foods that help me to feel good (in emotion and digestion), exercise, enjoying nature, loving myself and my loved ones around me. When I notice a lapse or hiccup in consuming only kindness, I will bring my focus to my breath and recommit to my kindness fast.

I will be checking in here to let you know how things are going. Stay tuned!

We need not wait to see what others do...