The Seeds of My Soul

I wish I could fully convey the strange contradiction I'm experiencing. Here's one example and attempt to illuminate...

Everything is insecure in my life. Almost everything. Don't know where I'm going to live. Don't know where/how I'm going to work and support myself. I have freelance work and seem to get work whenever without spending much time "searching," and I'm staying with a friend in a makeshift room in her den (friend is awesome, but it's temporary)... 

and... more than anything, I know I need to just BE as I'm grieving this first year. Not worrying about money or housing or work. But life is life. 

And how to do that after we spent virtually all of our money trying to save his life? And not having him by my side? My favorite person on the planet! My sounding board! My love, my friend, my confidant! How do I do this?

Since Marcus Lovemore transitioned, 90% or more of the worry, doubt, fear and judgment that took up real estate in my thinking & time, no longer occupy that space. The reason it's 90% and not 100... a little bit of that still happens. I'm still human. But the majority of the time, it just feels wrong. Dissonant. Tastes bitter. It doesn't seem like "choosing" other, it seems WRONG, like that just doesn't work anymore. 

Now when I hear Michael Beckwith speak, I'm crying, laughing, nodding my head, agreeing not for what I'm going for, but for what I'm EXPERIENCING. That's different. Witnessing Marcus all these years... this was the space he was in. It's as if my cells have been infused with the essence of him. I'm perhaps now... Katie Strand with a soupçon (pronounced sue-sahn, French for "a little bit") of Marcus!

...Or a giant dousing of Marcus!

I'd rather have him here physically, but healthy, whole, smiling, laughing, talking, hugging. 

A few times I made Marcus laugh so hard that he passed out. It's a kidney/blood pressure thing coupled with laughing hard, but if it happened in public without a place to sit down, I made him hug me while laughing to ensure he wouldn't pass out, fall and hurt himself. It became a running joke and edict: HUG when you laugh. 🤗

Now I hear him saying, "this is better cause we're connected all the time!" 

My heart wells, feeling strangely like my eyes welling with tears, "but I'm so lonely without you physically here..."

That's whats up for me right now. 

Anyone still reading, I do need a more stable place to live in Los Angeles. This year I am emerging and will emerge the Performer-Artist-Rockstar that the SEEDS of my soul pre-programmed and pre-ordained to be, connecting and inspiring, with Marcus smiling and cheering me on...

it almost seems silly to doubt. 

The purpose is actually more basic than performer, artist or rockstar, but the depth of it requires a deeper conversation, so have that with me if you're curious and open. 

Wherever I live will be steeped in meditation/prayer, music, love, health, connection, abundance and fun. It will be nice to have a stable place in LA; I'm open and connected. 

Notes:

I'm experienced at house and pet sitting. With references. I eat clean. Organic. Non-gmo. Mostly vegetarian but strategic & humanely raised and raw dairy. Marcus taught me so much, I'm physically in the best shape of my life, kind of ironically.

If I didn't have my physical health right now I probably wouldn't be here. This year... 2017. WTF?!? Well you all have some context on that.

I workout and meditate daily. I'm a great cook but Marcus and I used to cook together and I cooked for him a lot this year, so it's still a little sad and tender for me, but as the months progress, I'll likely be cooking more, and could help with health goals, meal planning, groceries and cooking if it supports my people and living environment. Marcus and I both had the track record of making whatever home we were living HEALTHIER in every way. This last year we didn't do that as well as all of our focus was on keeping us both as healthy as possible, and especially on saving his life. 

As far as geography for anyone outside the LA area... beauty, community, and music. It's imperative my location allows for music creating, collaborating and performing. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks to those who've offered to host me. I'll consider those invitations open until you rescind, but of course we'd need to iron out details. I'm kind of fun to be around, but still need to excuse myself to cry on a regular basis. I sing for my supper. FTHG*

GRIEF. It's not for quitters. 

Thanks for your support and love. Still need lots of hugs and time with friends. I'm in the process of joining a bereavement group, thanks for the encouragement on that Kathleen McCartin. ❤️

LOVE & GRATITUDE TO YOU ALL!:

Jason Schuyler

Lisa Durow Cruz

Camilla Dhanak

Andrew Goldstein

Lury Norris

Lauren Kornberg

Mams Taylor

Mo Ramchandani

Lisa Jennings

Diana Flotten

Monick Paul Halm

Grenda David

Jessica Chiles

Gregory Porter

Dror Amir

Andy Blessing

Peter Ciriello

Augie Alexander

Emily Jackson

Mary Alice Jouppi

Vickie Winston

Linda S. Montgomery

Allan Palmer

Dylan Nelson

Dan Sturman

*FTHG = For The Highest Good