How Can I Love Today?

Yesterday, a dear friend expressed to me the profound effect Marcus Lovemore had on their life. Especially the video. You know the one. I've shared it a bunch. (Lovemore Life, Liberation Through Choice, Pain vs. Suffering; we screened it at the memorial.)

They also mentioned that they had never witnessed greater love between two people...

This morning I do an hour meditation, then start making tea, and my curious mind goes to work on this...

Then my psychic fingers reach for the ethereal realm as I dwell in my curiosity...

How did we do this?

How did Marcus do this?

I felt him.

From the past. 

Time indeed is becoming... less linear as I'm more connected.

I feel him now.

Smiling. Laughing. Nodding. Whispering... "you already know..."

Clarity.

It floods in like the last moments of a fissure in a damn...

Every day, most every moment, he would hold these questions in his heart: How can I love her today? What can I find to love about her today? What new discovery lays in this glorious creature? What thing that I already love can I expand upon and steep-in about her? I choose love.

He was choosing love. All the time. 

I see it now so clearly.

He taught me how. Showed me how. 

His body was in pain. Virtually the whole time we were together. Yet he was able to choose love. 

And it wasn't just about me. He did this with virtually everything. Finding something FOR him, something to facilitate his continued connection to source. Which is why LOVE is so powerful. It does that. Connects. To self. To source. 

I wear goofy outfits sometimes. He would delight in this. I make funny faces while I'm expressing myself. He would delight in this. I twist and stretch my toes when I'm laying and watching TV. He would delight in this. As a few inconsequential examples. 

That's why. It was challenging being with someone with a chronic condition. Kidney failure has a higher morbidity rate than cancer. Think on that. Certainly there were thousands of compromises... around travel, physical ability to do stuff together, sports,
work, art, dance, money, family... so many compromises. And yet... to be loved like that. 

Here's the dirt:
I would get annoyed with him because of how hard it was, even before 2017 (we had zero hospitalizations for our first 8 years together) ...that I felt I was shouldering a greater load. Work, money, housework, sorting all of it... but I couldn't lie to myself that the reactive mind's perception was real. The balance was spiritual. I saw him showing up, loving me, being present, staying engaged (not checking out). So rather than sit in annoyance, I'd meditate more. Talk things through with him. Exercise. Expand my mind. Learn. Kundalini. Play music. Hit the pad. Do Yoga. For my health and because I couldn't fool myself, my soul's been through too many rotations for that lie to stick. I did grow. I didn't stay annoyed. I was able to let go, and be with him. Bask in that love. 

To be loved. In an evolving, ever growing way. It's a profound thing. 

1-2 years before I met Marcus, I told a man who had rejected me countless times that "I want to grow in the way that I love..." he said no.

Marcus said yes. Bigger than I ever could have imagined. 

To witness someone actively choosing love, life, gratitude, joy, to learn by their example... what a profound gift. And to receive, and be open enough to receive... and to be able to love him and express that love so fully. Because I sort of leave a crater when I hit, he had to ground when I'd run and hug him. But to love to my fullest capacity, and to be loved to the fullest capacity. Wow. I'm the luckiest earthling. 

I was afraid Marcus's death would make me bitter. Angry. At God. At everything. At everyone.

Marcus laughs at that.