Badassery

I wonder if I turned into a songwriter (became a songwriter? How does that happen?) so I could have someplace to put my truest and deepest thoughts or observations or even just my playfulness with words, and when combined with music... it felt... useful. Purposeful. Or something. Journaling wasn't enough. And my brain was just constantly writing and coming up with stuff, melodies, lyrics, words and quotes and observations... songwriting gave all of that... meaning.

And now... 2017 was so fucking stressful!

For me. For so many people. For Marcus Lovemore my love who went through hell and now he's free and happy... and the wild thing is, he was happy, he found joy and gratitude in the throwing up 6 times a day every day for 6 months; not being able to eat, being severely underweight, severe pain, bed sores... still, he wanted to live. His will to live was unparalleled. He wanted to live. More than I did. For certain I know, that scary feeling in me started December 2016, and lasted in varying degrees until... well it's lifted. I actually can say, unequivocally, without hesitation, that I want to be HERE. 

And we are here, absolutely worse off that he is no longer here, and absolutely better off that he was... and shared his love, wisdom, compassion, humor, discernment, that sweet sparkle that was only Marcus with a thought percolating. 

My cup runneth over. I'm feeling and experiencing so much... It's intense! I laugh love and cry just about every day. I have clogged tear ducts! Babies get those. Adults don't get them! Well, I've never had them. I never wanna hear someone say I'm not crying nor grieving enough! This is how I do: when I feel the feeling that means tears, I cry. (This is inconvenient but I can usually delay it and excuse myself for 30-60 seconds, I'm not wearing a black veil people. I'd rock it but come on!) When I feel the feeling that means laugh, I laugh. It's like I'm taking a tour of my own life, observing, choosing yes, but also... riding the wave. Feeling and allowing the grief to expel? Maybe. Maybe that's it. I'm still observing and figuring out how to describe it. The music, fitness, meditation and dance stuff has been monumentally helpful. And connecting with loved ones. I need more of that please. I'm in Los Angeles. Please, let's play! 

And, my life's still in the process of being reorganized and rebalanced. We spent all our money trying to save Marcus's life. I'm looking for house or pet sitting in Los Angeles, preferably within 5-10miles of MDR since I've fallen in love... with sailing! My budgets meh until I get going on a project, so housesitting is best and I have a ton of relevant experience and wonderful references. Or, a room in someone's home. I need my own bedroom. I'd consider anywhere in LA if the people are awesome.

More music will be posted soon. Apologies for the hiatus. Been busy and I miss it so that's awesome. I'll post more within 48hrs. I'm on a job tomorrow, but can't talk about it. This picture is me on the sailboat entertaining my friend while he made lunch. Love sailing! ⛵️ 

Thanks so much for your likes, encouragement, shares, and all your badassery!! You! I'm talking to you reading this. Thank you! 🙏🏽😍