Big Fat Juicy Tears

Grief is so strange.

But I've never done this before. Lost a partner, spouse, never lost a love of this magnitude. And even knowing it's not lost, just very different and unexpected, though I'm so grateful, still... I've never gone through this...

He was my favorite person on the planet.

Tonight I was sitting outside meditating, and just... the grief just washed over me like a sudden wave breaking out of pattern. 

Tears. Missing Marcus Lovemore so much. His everything physical. Not the sickness but all the things that coalesced into the human body where he lived all these years. Once he started communicating with me telepathically or whatever you wanna call it, his body didn't feel like him anymore. His heart stopped within a day. 

More tears. Big fat juicy tears. 

He was right. 

It is all a gift.

Lately I've been able to clearly identify when and that I feel happy. Truly. Wow. That's amazing! Not due to external anything just... happy. Moments. Fleeting perhaps. But... contented happiness.

To have the trauma of seeing him in so much pain, the stress of all the hospitalizations and impending death... my greatest fear, really... him dying and to be able to feel... happy?

Wow.

😲 

It is all a gift.

There's a chance I've been studying and documenting all of this in various places, in part because I think it can be replicated but it's a long studied, somewhat complex combination of things that I've not seen coalesced, and Marcus is the one who really did it, I'm just... the legacy perhaps. I don't know yet. It's still unfolding. 

Anyone still reading? I (think I) need a manager or agent, for music & more!