I debated with myself whether or not to share this because it addresses something I've been private about -- the simultaneous compassion and frustration I feel towards people trying to empathize with my grief, and relate with their own "loss of relationship" in regard to their relationship breakups and divorces... Here goes. I'm sorry if this offends you, but hopefully if you read the whole thing you'll understand and relate.
I Wish Marcus Had Dumped Me...
My partner Marcus died November 2017... we were together just under nine years. The love and connection we had was honest, consistent, supportive… He was my best friend, love & favorite person on the planet. Grief has been messy, profound, cathartic, and I’ve made mistakes and definitely lost friends. I’ve never done this before so I don’t know how to do it.
You all and your shares & stories help me a lot... I took care of Marcus the last year of his life and it was harder than anything... he had kidney failure and it’s not pretty at the end. He was so strong spiritually, mentally and emotionally & probably lived much longer than most people would have, in fact the doctors were surprised he was still alive for many months after a severe infection that almost took his life in February.
I had a notebook full of notes, procedures & medications, had the eight antibiotics they gave him memorized, and had a vomit log to track how much he vomited to see if we were making improvements with some of our researched nutritional and therapeutic remedies. At times he threw up six times a day. His body was so weak and he'd lost so much weight, at one point he weighed 118 pounds. His "normal" body weight at 5'9" was 165 pounds. He was skin and bones. It hurt to look at him. Hurt him for me to hold him... So I would stack pillows around my body and hold him to me so I could hold him and not cause him pain.
People who haven’t been through it just don’t get it, how could they?! I couldn’t have if I hadn’t been through the experience myself...
Today is one of those days where it’s hard to get out of bed, even though it’s been over two years. Doing regular life stuff still often feels so... meaningless.
This weekend was intense for grief. Stuff triggering me from different friends…
One common theme from friends who have NOT lost a partner to death is that their divorce or break up... ”would’ve been easier if he died.”
I just listen. Nod. Say simple things like my grief about Marcus is clean... there’s no betrayal... give them love & empathy... break ups ARE hard...
but it also leaves me feeling unsettled, dissonant.
So this came to me yesterday: do you know how much I wish Marcus had broken up with me and still be alive?! This might sound crazy but, who he was... he would have done it with love & we could still be friends; he would still be here!!! I’d give everything I own and more for that.
People just don’t get it.
Anyone else have this experience??
Lastly, I’m feeling really compelled to tell my story... about my life and especially about Marcus. I felt him & felt communication from him during & after his transition. I’ve been a performer my whole life— I sing, dance, play piano, guitar, act, host shows/podcasts & have given speeches & talks... If anyone has support or a venue or advice on how to do this, please reach out. I’d like to combine it with “widow art” where we display art of widows and art of those who died (Marcus was a visual artist) in the lobby of whatever venue we do the performance. I’m open to collaboration in the performance itself, but have been advised that will slow down the process of creating a show, so I’m starting with developing/writing & performing a one person show.
Thank you for sharing your stories, experiences and being here. You help me every day. Thank you. 💗
