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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Letting Go of Fear


As part of my Kindness Fast, I started reading a book that I heard about years ago called When Fear Falls Away by Jan Frazier.

I just started reading it.

I have some criticisms about the author and her writing style that I personally don't like, but I'm still trying to get the core of the message, because I think it applies to what I'm doing in that....

I think part of my mission, unknown to me, even, was to attain a largely stress-free, worry-free, and fearless state.

I'm not talking about the fearlessness that would have me go into the lion's den, or step in front of traffic or jump off a bridge without a parachute or tether...

I'm talking about the kind of fears that plague my everyday consciousness.

Not just the fear of something happening, but what might happen if something happens.

What if my parents die?
What if Marcus dies?
What if I die?
What if I get injured in some horrific way?
What if my siblings die?
What if my nephews die?
What if one of my loved ones gets sick, injured or dies?
What if I never have children?
What if I go bankrupt?
What if I go broke?
What if I go homeless?

All these different scenarios that haven't happened yet, but could happen and will happen in the case of death... They bog me down. They weigh on me with a force stronger than gravity.

Many years ago I wrote song lyrics about this very thing.

"Resentment reaps my energy. I want to use it for love."

Something in me decided after writing that to love as wholly and fiercely as possible - to love like there is no tomorrow. Geesh, no wonder some of my ex/old loves got overwhelmed by me. Fortunately, Marcus seems to drink it up.

But on death...

As far as I know no one has cheated death and maybe no one really wants to after a certain point of mental and physical degradation... though I hear about monks who live until they're 105 or 110 and then just die in their sleep, without being ill, sickly, or degraded in any way. In fact, I hear that these monks often choose when they're ready to die, let those around them know, "hey everybody, I'm going to pass on Friday, just so you know..." on Thursday they're healthy, doing their gardening, exercises, prayers, eating, carrying water and chopping wood, and then Friday, their body is left, but their life force is gone...

That sounds about ideal for me. I'm aiming for 140 because if I don't reach that goal, a) I don't think anyone will hold it against me and b) I won't be around in the event that someone does hold it against me.

But I sort of am touching on a little bit of it. I'm touching on... experiencing what it's like to fearless.

And it's funny, those who know me well, may already think that I am fearless. I've done things that many people are afraid of. Some of the most common fears in our culture I seem to have dealt with if not mastered. According to Jordan Smoller, the #1 most common fear is People/Public Speaking/Performing. "An estimated 12% of Americans meet the criteria for full-blown social phobia."
I've done both public speaking and a ton of performing for audiences small and large, and I feel confident I could do it again. Smoller lists Heights as #3, and though I've felt some fear when I've done height-related activities, the fear has never stopped me from doing aerial acrobatics, skydiving, rock climbing or repelling. In case you're wondering, Smoller's #2 is fear of Animals. Had I not looked up common fears and found Smoller's list, and found his article, The 10 Most Common Phobias, I would not have mentioned that as a child, around age 10, a German Shepard ran and jumped at me, presumably aiming for my throat or face, and somehow I managed to step back and turn around in time so the dog bit me in the back. Not a great surface to gain purchase for a dog's mouth and certainly way better for me than this German Shepard latching onto my throat or face. Anyway, I see how I could've developed a fear of dogs from that, but somehow I manage to dog-sit and be around dogs - small and large - and even enjoy them, without being crippled by fear! Another on Smoller's list is Water/Drowning, coming in at #8. Here's another one for me. Around age 4 my older brother held me under water at the lake. I still swam after that but for about ten years was afraid of putting my head underwater, so much so that I freaked out my first day of swim practice, and hyperventilated trying to do a proper front crawl, and never went back to trying to swim competitively. But that experience startled me... So, at age 15, I decided to get certified as a lifeguard.

All of this isn't to share how awesome or brave I am, because I certainly don't feel awesome or brave all the time... Though I've had my moments of awesomeness and bravery - as every human being has... It's more to share that I must've had some determination within or possibly some wiring in my brain that set the foundation for me to do this type of work - the very profound, delicate, difficult, and heart-wrenching work of letting go of fear.

My eyes well with tears as I write this.

Today I spoke with someone about some personal business I have that needs settling. He was very rude, and maybe he's trained to be that way or maybe he gets results that way. It may be effective, but it wasn't effective in my case because he didn't get what he wanted from me... But after I hung up I felt really afraid. I was sweating and anxious and so I took it to the end. I took it to the worst case scenario. I asked myself, what's the worst that can happen? The truth is, I don't know. So I decided to guess and air out my fears:
I guess they could take everything I have, all of my possessions and money.
I guess they could put me in jail. (Though my research shows this is highly unlikely.)
I guess they could hurt me, kill me or I could die. (More unlikely than the above - I'm not dealing with the mafia or loan sharks or anything like that.)
I guess they could try to come after the people I love. (But again this is highly unlikely.) And that would be worse than them coming after me... But I feel like my loved ones will be okay too.

But take it to the end. The worst case scenario, the final page for all of us is death. I mean whether or not you believe in an afterlife, the last thing we can verify of this physical world is the moment before death. Now I agree that there are experiences in life, many experiences, in fact, that are worse than death. Torture, rape, kidnapping, illness, injury, and any aforementioned thing or death happening to a loved one - all seem much worse to me than death, but from what I hear about death, it's not so bad.

From what I understand it's rather peaceful and calm. Again, let me remind you, as I mentioned in The Inspiration Hunter blog, I don't desire or long for death. It's not me. It never has been. But when I think about being afraid of all these life things... Life's scariest things, to me, losing a loved one and surviving, torture, pain, knowing a loved one is in pain, and then I think about my own death.... I feel like I can do it and that gives me calm. A deep, inner calm. A calm in a place that I've kind of been holding space for, for a very long time. Holding space and welcoming.

Maybe it started when I was 4 and held under water. Maybe it started when I was 10 and bitten by the dog. Or maybe it started when I started...whenever that was. I don't know.

Whatever you're afraid of, take it to the end.

I have Marcus to thank for reminding me of this one. I was witness to him working with a client recently and he reminded me of this tool. Whatever you're afraid of, take it to the end. Then, once you realize what that is, look at how you've created it all in your imagination - that none of it has happened yet, and retell what might happen so that you come out the victor, so that you come out with the advantage, so that you come out loving and loved.


You might as well win in your own fantasy.










Sunday, March 10, 2013

Fast & Easy Hypoglycemia Test


Hi Everybody!

For those of you just tuning in, I'm doing a Kindness Fast right now. If you'd like to read the original blog to explain what the helena this is, just click on the words Kindness Fast.

Day 10. 

It's been a little easier now that I'm in the swing of it.

But holy goodness the first week was tough. I was having daily unkind meltdowns...

The meltdowns are obvious and though sometimes they feel necessary - especially as an emotional release - they mostly occur when I'm being very mean and hard on myself.

Other than the meltdowns, it's pretty astounding to realize how many times a day I am thinking and doing unkind things to myself. Oftentimes the unkindnesses are subtle.

For example, I think I might be a little hypoglycemic. 

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine: 
Hypoglycemia is a condition that occurs when your blood sugar (glucose) is too low. Blood sugar below 70 mg/dL is considered low. Blood sugar at or below this level can harm you.
Symptoms you may have when your blood sugar gets too low include:
  • Double vision or blurry vision
  • Fast or pounding heartbeat
  • Feeling cranky or acting aggressive
  • Feeling nervous
  • Headache
  • Hunger
  • Shaking or trembling
  • Sweating
  • Tingling or numbness of the skin
  • Tiredness or weakness
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Unclear thinking
Sometimes your blood sugar may be too low, even if you do not have symptoms. If your blood sugar gets too low, you may:
  • Faint
  • Have a seizure
  • Go into a coma

I've never been diagnosed, but if I haven't eaten for a few hours (i.e. my blood sugar gets low), I become more irrational, cranky, aggressive, unclear, and sometimes even have headaches and dizziness. But more than any of that, I feel...well more homicidal than my regular, happy, thou shall not kill self.

Now this is supposed to be funny, folks, because there really is no danger in me wacking anybody, just a little disclaimer.

But it inspired me to share a fast and easy hypoglycemia test.

Question #1:
When I haven't eaten for 2 hours or more (excepting sleep), I oftentimes feel like killing my significant other (or in lieu of significant other, anyone near or speaking to me).

                                                 YES      or         NO

Question #2:
When I do eat again, within about 5 bites I cease feeling like I'm going to kill my significant other (or passerby), and in fact really like them again (become neutral or indifferent to said passerby).


                                                 YES      or         NO


If you answer YES to one or (hopefully) both questions, you suffer from a mild or severe form of hypoglycemia.

(Another disclaimer - I'm not an M.D., and am therefore not qualified or licensed to diagnose or treat illnesses, this is just a fluffy, opinion piece blog that is purely for entertainment!)



Bring snacks with you always! I'm partial to the raw macaroons as they have lots of protein and good fat (I love Laughing Giraffe Organic Pineapple Macadamia w/ Coconut & Cacao), but any organic protein that digests rather quickly should help you out.


What did we learn today boys and girls?


BRING SNACKS!!


Have a great Sunday, everyone.






Sunday, March 3, 2013

Of Mouth and Mind



Turns out, it's a lot easier to control what's going into my mouth, than what's going on in my mind.



Juice, liquids, no meat, no carbs, only organic - all of that is easy compared to this kindness fast that is a constant thing hanging over me. I feel like an addict just itching for that fix of annoyance or irritability - so accustomed to it in my system that the mere self-imposed edict of a kindness fast has me breaking a decades long default habit.


You see, I've realized that me getting irritable and annoyed about these everyday annoyances (you know - a bad driver, forgetting something, Marcus screwing something - like taking out the trash - up!). All of these things I categorize under irritants and annoyances because they are not life threatening or even life-style threatening, but still they dictate the ebb and flow of my day like the waves of the freaking ocean! FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! I say!


The truth is, I don't think I'm as irritable or annoy-able as many people I've witnessed, but this isn't really about them, and isn't everything fucking relative?


I've glimpsed, I've felt for sometimes minutes or hours, the kind of elation, the kind of connection, the kind of unattached bliss that comes from realizing the oneness of all things. From realizing that I'm perfect as I am in all the nuances and "flaws" that I'm judging myself for on a regular basis. The hardest part is not being attached to this blissed-out, connected feeling.


Also, I've felt what it's like to be stressed in my body, to be self-criticizing and annoyed with myself and others. It feels restrictive, acidic, tense, grumpy, and disconnecting. I wouldn't want these things for my dearest loved one, so I'm doing my best to largely end them in myself. This kindness fast is an experiment to see how it goes... Maybe it's more an end to suffering in my existence. I've heard Marcus speak about this and he's the only person, save a few buddhist or zen priests/practitioners I've heard speak on the matter, who I believe when they say they've ended suffering for themselves. The sum-up and my interpretation of how this is done is this: pain exists, but suffering is a choice. The suffering is what we put on top of whatever experience we're having. It's the "why me" after the painful experience happens (whether emotional or physical pain)... For me, it's the mental expectation of perfection, of flawlessness. My addiction to this kind of thinking has nuances for Christ's sake! There is no demand of perfection 100% of the time, because rationally I know that's impossible. The edict is to be smart, be good enough to prevent the mistakes and flaws that are foreseeable, so that life's unforeseeable and unpredictable hiccups, blips and tragedies can be dealt with.

But the expectation in the daily decisions isn't the most insidious about this - it's the aftermath when I realize I could've done my preventative maintenance better.

All of this is coming to the surface now that I've put myself in a kindness fast. Because I know, to my core, that this kind of perfection expectation, this berating myself in my supposed perfect hindsight, is extremely unkind. I'm clear I don't want to do it anymore, but how to implement that has me... at my greatest inner challenge, it seems.

Funny thing is, for years I've been calling myself a recovering perfectionist. I've done self growth work on this already... I understand better now why the AA folks say one day at a time. That's where I'm at. One day at a time.

Where's my fucking AA meeting?


The Kindness Fast


(Originally written March 1, 2013)

I'm embarking on a new kind of fast.

A Kindness Fast...

But let me back up a bit first.

I've been on juice fasts, which I highly recommend. I suppose it's more accurately called a liquid fast. 20 days is my max so far, and mine was a blend of the following: 85% fresh, home-made vegetable juices, 15% raw milk with whey protein to prevent muscle wasting, with as much herbal tea (mostly I drank Dr. Schulze's detox tea to help with the cleanse) and water as I wanted. All organic, of course.

I've done the master cleanse, which is ten days of maple-syrup sweetened, fresh squeezed lemonade, topped off with cayenne pepper! I liked the lemonade recipe and taste, but don't recommend it now that I'm with Marcus and he's explained it can be harmful because it lacks key nutrients our bodies need.

I've given up all carbs for an extended amount of time, which I also highly recommend, especially for women and people with mild to severe hypoglycemia. 

I think I blogged about my carb-free diet. It lasted 60-90 days and I was hornier than a hell cat in heat. I went on it to re-balance my hormones because there were signs that things were off. Inconsistent menstrual cycles, bloating and emotional volatility told me (and Marcus who coached me through this whole thing) that my body could be more well balanced hormonally.

And when I say gave up all carbs, I mean ALL carbs. No bread, pasta, rice, sugar, honey, potatoes. It was difficult, but between the carb fast and juicing a few months later for 20 days, my cycles re-regulated and are now healthy and consistent lengths.

I've gone vegetarian, vegan and raw for periods of time ranging from weeks to years.

I've done yoga for over 200 days straight - rain or shine, in sickness and health, whether ten minutes or an hour. I guess it was a yoga fast.

But I have never, ever done an emotional fast.

It's an idea I came up with recently.

My first idea was to do a stress fast, but unlike a juice or liquid fast (where juice and liquid are all that are consumed), I was thinking of how I could do a stress-free period of time. Like giving up meat for lent, but I'd be giving up stress.

But as my self-imposed start date of March 1st approached, I wasn't convinced that focusing on stress was the best way to go about doing this.

I awoke in the middle of the night feeling some anxiety about a recent big purchase Marcus and I made, and I realized stress or stress-free is not the ideal focus for me to have on this particular cleanse.

Kindness is the focus. 

After all, one of the most insidious ways I am un-kind to myself is in the past when I have filled myself with self-doubt, regret, anxiety, and the mental self-abuse of questioning and berating myself and my choices! And guess what all of that mishegoss creates in the body? STRESS!

So, starting today, March 1st, I'm going on a kindness fast.

Inspired by yesterday's quotes from Joseph Campbell and Baba Amte (KSW blog: The Inspiration Hunter) and by the paraphrase of a Gandhi quote: Be the change you want to see in the world, I'm going on a kindness fast.

Pop culture has paraphrased it to be more succinct, but Gandhi's actual quote is: “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do." 

If a Juice Fast is defined as: (noun) a type of fasting and detox diet in which a person consumes only fruit and vegetable juices. These liquid foods are digested rapidly as the juice digestion process expends only a small amount of energy for the purpose of detoxifying and rebalancing the body's digestion, hormones, and vascular system to encourage optimum function. 

A Kindness Fast, for me, is defined as: (noun, verb) A fast where kindness is the primarily consumed emotional and mental action for the purpose of detoxifying the body and mind from the effects of self-criticism, doubt, stress, regret, and unreasonable expectations... to rebalance mental and emotional well being.

In practical terms, this will involve and evolve (with updates on this blog):
60 days of being kind to myself every day, in every moment possible. Yoga, meditation, healthy, tasty foods that help me to feel good (in emotion and digestion), exercise, enjoying nature, loving myself and my loved ones around me. When I notice a lapse or hiccup in consuming only kindness, I will bring my focus to my breath and recommit to my kindness fast.

I will be checking in here to let you know how things are going. Stay tuned!

We need not wait to see what others do...